The Disturbing Origins of Neurotic Jo

I'll Take a Nap to Go, Please

2012-01-21T04:02:00.000-08:00

This is going to be a long day, considering that all three kids got up at some point during the night, and the moment I finally got back in bed the baby woke up again, and now he is so wired and playful that I doubt he will be nodding off before the other two get up again. Oh well. I just enjoy everyone being here under one roof. Not even sleep can compare with that!

New Schedule, Effective Monday!

2012-01-20T01:52:00.000-08:00

Time	Baby’s Schedule	My Schedule
7:30 a.m.	Wake up, nurse, change clothes and diaper	(7 a.m.) Wake up, take medicine
8 a.m.	Breakfast — cereal with fruit (baby food)	Breakfast
8:15 to 9 a.m.	Play with toys, sit in activity saucer	Housework
9 to 11 a.m.	Nap time	School work
11 a.m.	Wake up, nurse, change diaper
11:30	Lunch — one jar vegetables (baby food)	Lunch
11:45 a.m. to 12:30 p.m.	Play with toys, go on a walk if weather is nice
12:30 to 2:30 p.m.	Nap time	School work
2:30 p.m.	Wake up, nurse, change diaper
3 to 4 p.m.	Play	Play & housework intermittently
4 to 5 p.m.	Nap	Cook supper
5 p.m.	Wake up, nurse, change diaper
6 p.m.	Supper— vegetable and fruit (baby food), vitamin	Supper, take medicine
7 p.m.	Bath, brush teeth & other grooming needs (clip nails, etc.)	Bath (alternate w/ Baby)
9 p.m.	Play, read
10:30 p.m.	Nurse, read a book, and go to bed	School work or read until no later than 12 a.m.

I am excited-and nervous-about implementing this new schedule. Instead of worrying about or expecting its failure, I am forcing myself to focus on its doable success. Sure, training a baby that has had no prior structure applied to its short life is going to be a challenge. Training myself is going to be a challenge! But I can do this! I can! And I will.

More plans for time organization to come...

Down to Business

2012-01-17T23:05:00.000-08:00

I need to get my life together. Not just want. NEED. I waste every day, in nearly every way. I'm tired from thinking and not doing. I'm dismayed from not encountering success. I am failing and miserable, and I have no one to blame but myself. If you want something, you have to reach out and take it for your own. The trouble is, I keep reaching for everything at the same time, and I only have two hands! Before I grasp one task, I'm chasing after ten others. It's no wonder I find myself empty-handed every time. My desire to have everything "just so" results in my OCD and anxiety kicking into full gear, and my mind races to such a degree that I can't focus on one thing at a time. I have to find a way to combat this issue. Any suggestions and tips are welcome and encouraged!

For the time being, my goal is to hone in on the major tasks I need to accomplish and try to set myself a game plan in motion. I have tried this before with no luck. But here goes again!

The main thing that weighs constantly on my mind is the disarray of this house. Not only is it cluttered and disorganized, but there is dust caked on everything, the carpet is stained horribly, and the walls need a good scrubbing. I'm a clean freak by nature, so the condition of our home pains me to no end. I need to make a feasible list of what to do first and so on, in order to keep myself from getting overwhelmed and stopping the work, as I do every day. This cleaning list is a huge priority of mine!

Just as important is my school work and writing. As long as there are no unexpected mishaps with my financial aid, I am scheduled to begin at Full Sail on January 30th. I will be working toward a Creative Writing in Entertainment degree, so obviously, there will be a lot of writing involved. This is a good thing! And a bad thing. Good, because it's about damn time I buckled down and wrote more than silly blogs, ridiculous poetry and tidbits of novels. Hell, for the past two years I haven't written anything! So going to school for writing will force me to write...right? Oh, but have I mentioned my sweet baby from hell that does not like for me to do school work? He literally screams non-stop whenever I put him down and try to focus on something not involving him. (This goes for the housework too). Figuring out how to balance childcare and mindwork will be an accomplishment within itself.

Those are the two main focuses I wish to expend myself on for now. I have several other things I would like to get done, but I'm not even going to mention them now, as the goal here is to stay focused on less in order to excel at more. My next step is to figure out an exact list on the cleaning, and figure out how I can schedule those chores along with taking care of an infant and going to school. No biggie, eh? Ehhhh :(

Had to Pass This Along...

2012-01-17T00:37:00.000-08:00

Wise Mind

Friday the 13th

2012-01-13T23:33:00.000-08:00

Tonight we celebrated my oldest daughter's 12th birthday. Her actual birthday was on the 7th of this month, but it was her dad's weekend. Per her request, we had chicken tenders, her Mawmaw's biscuits & gravy, mashed potatoes, peas, and Oreo pie. My fiance had picked her out two video games that she apparently loved, judging by the squeals and hopping. I'm so glad he knows how to pick out stuff like that because I am clueless.

I had an odd thing happen tonight right before we left to go to my mom's for the birthday dinner. I had one of my typical out-of-the-blue Ice Pick Headaches, but it lasted longer and actually made me drop down to my knees. Afterwards, I felt so...weird. Disoriented and swimmy-headed. My legs didn't seem to want to work correctly. It took a lot of effort to walk. I seem to be back to normal now, but it was a very strange ordeal. My guess is that it was a combination of not eating all day (oops!) and sleep deprivation. Not only has Baby been eluding bedtime, but my insomnia is acting up again, primarily due to the racing thoughts. No Food + Not Enough Sleep = Ice Pick Terror. This lesson has been noted, and hopefully I can avoid a repeat.

I suppose I should try to go back to sleep now. I love having my girls here, but it wears me out. I need all the rest I can get before morning!

Oh, our only vehicle decided to start acting up again today. Because life was not fucking us up the ass enough already.

Mixed

2012-01-12T23:50:00.000-08:00

A day of edginess has progressed into full blown anger issues tonight. I'm annoyed with everything, mainly myself. My mind is racing and I have at least fifteen different things I want to do right this moment, other than sleep. And of course, I want to sleep too. I am downright exhausted, and there seems to be no end to the fatigue. Even when I do sleep, I wake up just as tired or more so. I guess maybe I am experiencing a mixed state. Depressed, but so revved up. Hence, the creation of anger.

I did just take a lovely hot bath to relieve the back spasms my tension has brought on. My baby actually stopped crying long enough to enjoy his time in the bouncer while I soaked the stress away for a little while. He has been rather fussy today, especially tonight. I can blame it on teething, mild diaper rash, and any number of other baby-size catastrophes, but I suppose the real truth is that he feeds off my bad mood, then I feed off of his, then he feeds some more off mine, and so on and so on, until it's a big clusterfuck of bad vibes between Mom and Baby. I love him to pieces, and I want so much to make him happy all the time. Or if not happy, at least nurtured in all the right ways...which essentially leads to a regular amount of happiness. But my moods, my exhaustion, my anxiety, and my other character flaws wreck those intentions of good mothering. I mean, I'm a good mother. I'm not neglectful or abusive. I express tons of love in healthy ways with my child. I spend time with him. I read to him and play with him. I take care of his essential needs. I do a lot of "good" things. But is it enough? Why do I still feel like a bad mother? Probably because the house is a wreck, and I use the computer to escape several times a day because it pulls me away from the stress of my inadequacies, and because I am always tired and can't seem to function like a regular human being should. I don't have it all together. I know that no one truly does, but...I really don't have it together!

I was going to write out a list of all the things I want to get done, for clarity's sake, but Baby is getting fussy again, so it will have to wait. Perhaps at a later time.

2012-01-12T00:42:00.000-08:00

My period is late. While I am reasonable enough to weigh in the fact that it would be really damn hard to have managed getting pregnant while breastfeeding around the clock and taking my progesterone birth control pill EVERY TIME at the same time each day, my logic does require me to consider the teensy weensy possibility that conception of a 4th child has occurred. And I'm paranoid. Of course I'm paranoid, because that is part of my mode of operation. I'm pretty sure my psychological file has P A R A N O I A highlighted twice in red bold faced letters. It doesn't help that nausea has plagued me night and day for the past couple of weeks and I've been craving clam strips smothered in red pepper hummus, and I'm even more devastatingly lethargic than usual. My boobs hurt too, but that could very well be an effect of the fat abusive vampire baby that sucks, gnaws, and pulls on them numerous times a day.

I'm hoping just the act of writing this will cause my period to start.

Not that I wouldn't love to have another child with the love of my life. But financially, it would be a nightmare. Emotionally, it would be a nightmare. We would somehow deal with it, but life is hard enough as it is.

Besides imagined pregnancy symptoms, I've had another not-quite-explained issue. In the past month or so, there have been quite a few occasions where I have broken out in hives on either side of my torso. The rash looks much like raised, slightly diagonal, red lines on my skin, and it is quite itchy. Upon my first encounter with this puzzling rash, I immediately considered allergic reactions to something that had come in contact with my skin. I have mild to moderate skin sensitivities to certain perfumes and dyes, and I am especially prone to an itchy rash from bleach. However, after careful thought, I realized nothing had changed in my laundry habits or otherwise. It could potentially be a reaction to the Celexa, but after observing the pattern that it only occurs when I am stressed, I can only assume it is another icky manifestation of that unstoppable anxiety of mine. Whatever the case, it's annoying and insanely itchy. Ho hum.

And now I must go back to bed to combat this newest wave of nausea...

The Best Gift

2011-12-25T20:56:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the seemingly impossible is worth forcing upon myself. I had planned on staying at home today, preferably in bed, all day long. It would have obviously been an ill attempt to block out the painful and nerve racking parts of Christmas (aka all of it). If I had succeeded at my plan for bed wallowing, I most assuredly would have cried a lot, contemplated suicide a few times, and felt miserable hatred for myself, along with an unbearable yearning for the loved ones I miss. I had fully planned to make up some half ass excuse not to go to my aunt's house, even though I have been aching to meet my niece ever since she was born (over a year ago). It would have been at least another year before I would have the chance to meet her again, since they live in another state and typically only travel down here to Georgia once at Christmas each year. Missing the opportunity to see her would have undoubtedly sent me spiraling down even further into my black hole of depression. It was the realization of this, mixed with the care not to hurt my biological mother's feelings by not showing up, that pried me from the warm bed on this cold, rainy day. I could not muster up enough nerve to attempt driving (will I ever be able to again??) and my fiance desperately needed sleep, so thankfully my aunt did not mind coming to get me and taking me over to her house for the visit. I amazingly (AMAZINGLY!) did not have any panic attacks the entire time. I spent roughly 2-3 hours there, and had a good time! It helped that it was a small gathering of people-my mother, aunt, grandmother, brother, sister-in-law, and cute little niece. My son made instant friends with his cousin, or her feet rather, as he tried desperately to take her socks and eat them. The outing was a success-a huge success!-and I am so grateful that I mustered up enough courage to make it happen. It was a little tiring, but not mentally draining like I had anticipated. I was actually able to sit out with my mother-in-law when I returned home and watch a movie with her and wash a couple of loads of laundry. And herein lies the greatest gift I could ask for this year: to carry on for a full day as a functioning, social human being. I don't know what tomorrow will be like, but I can bask in the memory of having a good Christmas day.

Tis the Season

2011-12-24T17:50:00.001-08:00

Today has been extremely difficult. I miss my Daddy. I miss my Nana. I miss my daughters, though at least they will be here Monday. As hard as I try to keep a positive outlook, this time of year has become more of a season of regrets than anything heartwarming. I don't celebrate Christmas for commercial or religious purposes anymore. It all seems to be a meaningless chasing after the wind. Pardon me if that brings visions of Scrooge to your mind. I'm not wallowing in self-pity or discarding the blessings in my life. I am more fortunate than many this year. At least I have a roof over my head. At least I am loved. I have a beautiful little baby right here with me tonight who thinks I'm as awesome as pureed bananas. But how do you fill the void of the loved ones that are gone? How do you smile past the fact that you don't get to tuck two of your children in at night and watch them on Christmas morning as they open their presents? How do you forgive yourself for all the wrong you've done in life, and learn to let go and move on? I know this is the depression talking. I know this will pass. But tonight, my heart is breaking, as it has every Christmas for the past few years. Tonight, I am once again tempted to pray, to recall who I was, to reach out my burdens to an unseen hand...but the person I was, the one who believed, can no longer be found.

Oh Dear, the Suspense!

2011-12-21T08:29:00.000-08:00

This is my first attempt at trying to write in several days...and the baby just started crying, so you shall wait some more...

More of the Same

2011-12-09T03:05:00.000-08:00

I'm really not liking the Celexa. I will continue to take it for a while, in hopes that it will do something besides just drag me further and further down into the pit. If it was not for my wonderful family, I don't know how I would make it. That's how bad I feel. I forced myself to watch TV for several hours yesterday because it was the only way I could keep my mind halfway distracted from the inner turmoil. I don't even like watching TV, and as quirky as my concentration issues have been lately, I'm surprised I even remember anything from what I viewed. I got stuck on the Lifetime Movie Network channel for three movies...and I hate LMN. But I couldn't find anything else I could pay attention to. The Food Network is a personal favorite of mine and the baby's, but it was making me hungry. So it was a LMN day. That's terribly depressing within itself.

My fiance gave me a great bit of advice yesterday. He said, instead of dwelling on all the things I can't do right now, to focus on what I do manage to accomplish each day. For instance, as much as I want to stay in bed and sleep all day and night, I take care of our baby and make sure his physical, emotional, and intellectual needs are met. I feed him, change his diapers, bathe him, play with him, read to him, give him lots of snuggle time, and even manage some smiles and laughs that are genuine (this child makes it impossible to not be at least a little happy!) Furthermore, I make myself get up and fix supper for the family most days...granted sometimes it is 9p.m. before I can drag my ass up and get it prepared. Thankfully, my fiance doesn't get up until 10p.m. to go to work on the night shift, and the other menfolk in the house are on such unpredictable schedules that it's not a major issue. I actually make myself get out of the house occasionally, probably averaging once a week. My panic attacks are too bad right now to drive or go anywhere by myself, or to go somewhere crowded, and it's fairly torturous to get out even at non-busy stores, but I make myself ride with my mom or fiance a couple of times a month and go somewhere like the grocery store. Last Tuesday my mom took me to see a friend so I could give her some clothes for her baby that my son has outgrown. My chest hurt so badly during the whole visit, and it took everything in me not to jump out the window and run like hell. Every noise, every thought of germs, every word of conversation I tried to make, was so very exhausting. But I did it. And I don't even think she was aware that something off kilter was going on inside my anxious brain, so there's a plus!

Now, if I could just get better at making necessary phone calls.

Living is harder than it should be right now. I am not completely blind to the fact that I have been here before and it does get better eventually-because it always has, right?-but I fear that it will just get worse. I fear being a failure to my family. I fear becoming someone so far down from what I have struggled so hard to maintain the past five years. I don't want to be the crazy girl again. I don't want to further negatively affect my children's memories of me, or to put my fiance through hell. I want to be good to these precious people. I want to nurture them and love them and do good things for them. I don't want to be broken. I want to take care of them, not the other way around.

The Old is New Again

2011-12-06T02:28:00.000-08:00

The following is an old drafted blog that I never published. It was originally written 11/10/08. Apparently not much has changed from my sentiments then and now...

I honestly don't think I'm meant to be happy in life. I mean, maybe if things were perfect, or my idea of perfect, maybe even then I would be as far from happy and content as I've ever been. Seems no matter where I go, there I am. And I don't like myself. I really don't! I've always considered myself a forgiving person when it comes to other people, but there are things I just can't forgive myself of. There are things I don't know how to change...maybe I'm just too lazy to change. I'm so overwhelmed and confused by the whole realm around me, as if ME and WORLD are explosive matters when placed together. I don't fit in with people, sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in a perpetual high school with all the cliques and judgements and stereotypes that can't be escaped. And there's no land for Misfit Toys here, just a lot of masks we can sort through and try on to help us blend, to hide, to fade out altogether. Seems like I've always been at home on a wall of nonexistence...until I do something wrong, that is.

If you don't know who you are, how is anyone else going to know?

"I Got The Feeling That Something Ain't Right"

2011-12-06T02:21:00.000-08:00

The best opportunities in life are often the scariest to pursue. This is what divides people into categories: those who face the fear head on and live to reap the benefits, and those who are scared shitless of failure and cry wee wee wee all the way home and then wonder why all the good things in life pass them by. Then there are those who straddle the fence, measuring the odds, the efforts, the possibilities. While they are over-analyzing and over-calculating they get hit by a runaway bus that swerved to miss a cow in the road, lost control, and smashed said fence-straddler like a cockroach. They die wondering WTF? End of story.

There is another category, however: those who prefer to be the bus, because they just like to smash things. Control is not their forte.

"Clowns to the left of me,
Jokers to the right, here I am,
Stuck in the middle with you..."

The Myths of Madness

2011-12-06T02:03:00.000-08:00

Below you will find a link to an article that covers some of the myths associated with Bipolar Disorder. I feel that it expresses some very helpful points of interest.

http://health.discovery.com/tv/psych-week/articles/bipolar-myths.html

Going, Going, Gone.

2011-12-02T16:11:00.000-08:00

Some days I want to put in my two week notice to life.

Pessimistic Optimism

2011-12-01T03:35:00.000-08:00

I have big plans for what I want to do from day to day. These epic plans range from getting the house clean to being an awesome mom to writing (and getting paid for it) to TAKING OVER THE WORLD. But why am I so tired? And why does the depression keep coming back at random moments? I will be feeling so happy and well, and then I will take something the wrong way or, well, I don't even have to take something the wrong way. It just comes back. I don't ask for much, right? I just want to be an average person. Actually, if truth be told I really want to be an extraordinary person who excels at at least ten different things before she bows her head to the grave. However, I will accept average. To get things done. To be able to think about the things I need to get done without getting so overwhelmed with the mere thought of the tasks that I can't set out to start on any of them. To be someone who is not afraid to make phone calls to the financial aid department of my college, or to go to Walmart on a semi-busy day, or to go eat lunch at my daughters' school. And energy. I want energy so badly. I don't want to be this lazy, depressed lump on a log. I want to get things done. I want to write my books. Concentrate on my school work (and not freak out at test time). Clean the house and keep it halfway clean. None of these things have to turn out perfect. At this point I will settle for a sliver of mediocre. I just want to know what completion feels like. I fear I never will. This is the price of depression, poor concentration, short-lived mania, social phobia, anxiety, and all this other crap I'm dealing with. It feels like I am stuck under a thick glass, and outside I can see the shapes and colors of what life has to offer, but I just can't break through to a place where I can partake of them. It is beyond frustrating.

Of course, I never learn. I keep thinking this is simply a character flaw. I'm lazy. Lazyyyyyy. If only that were the truth! I could just stop being lazy! I am actually reading a book now, and if I actually finish it, that will be an accomplishment! It's called The Myth of Laziness and it was written by Dr. Mel Levine, who is apparently the director of the Center for Development and Learning. Good for him! It is an intriguing read (what little I have been able to concentrate on) and discusses the causes of supposed laziness in school children and their parents. The latter part of the book will discuss ways to remedy those factors, but I have not made it that far yet. Naturally.

Anyway, my goal for today is to actually follow a schedule. HA! I have little faith in myself, perhaps due to this being the 90 millionth time I have written a schedule to follow and not followed it. But I am trying yet another "new and improved" schedule. Suddenly my chest is tight and I feel very anxious. It may be the impending failure. I may have to go lie down and rest first.

The Old Switcheroo

2011-11-24T23:12:00.000-08:00

I'm in the process of switching from Zoloft to Celexa (because it's cheaper), and the withdrawal symptoms, mixed with new medication side effects, are making me feel like C R A P. Nausea, upset stomach, dizziness, depression, rapid cycling, etc., etc., etc. I hope the worst of this passes before I start back to school on December 5th. I also hope I can feel halfway normal on the Celexa once I get through with the switcheroo. Right now, I just want to sleep it all away.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes

2011-11-18T20:44:00.001-08:00

It occurred to me today that I have left a massive sinkhole in the middle of my story. I was a regular blogger for a few years, and then I disappeared. And then I reappeared! With a totally new life! What happened in between then and now, you may ask (if you were a previous follower). Who the hell are you, you may wonder (if you have stumbled upon my blog for the very first time). So, it will be my aim in the following weeks to fill in the spaces, and maybe delve into my "origins" in more detail. One thing I have come to realize is that my beginnings affect the rest of my journey. Do they dictate my future? No. Do they rule over what happens to me the rest of my life? No. But the happenings did shape my beliefs, my personality, my backbone. They gave me something to work with, something to be challenged by. I refuse to say, this is why I have the emotional issues I have, so I'm fucked and there's no point in trying. Instead, I concur that there are things in my childhood and beyond that may have contributed to these issues, so my challenge is to recognize, accept, and work through them so that I become stronger and wiser. This is the essence of life.

I have an icky headache, so I hope the previous paragraph made sense. Look for more posts soon!

Rediscovering The Notion of Enjoying Life

2011-11-15T23:27:00.000-08:00

I have come full circle since my last post. Deep depression for a few days, and now I am feeling somewhat manic with racing thoughts to the point that I can't focus on any of the hundred billion things that I want to do, that I am thinking of doing, yada yada. I would like to be able to pick something, one thing, and do it until completion. Yesterday I started on the bedroom. It's not as chaotic as it was, it is somewhat organized, and this pleases me since I crave order, NEED ORDER, so desperately right now. But...I have not finished it. I was just browsing Pinterest and found some utterly orgasmic ideas for organization and decor. Without money to spare these days (not even $5, not even $1, for real!) some of these ideas are a chasing after the wind, but some are doable with what I have on hand, or with items I could possibly find free.

Just remembered, I was going to start cleaning my mom's house and she was going to pay me. Totally forgot to go clean her house though! If I can remember to do it, this would provide me with a little spending cash for necessity items, and perhaps even a little to play with. I. Need. To. Remember. To. Clean. My. Mom's. House.

I added a gazillion songs to my playlist tonight. Woohoo!

Back to my original thought...there are things I enjoying doing that I don't do anymore. Like writing. Painting. Crafting. Reading. Etc, etc, etc. I would really like to do some of those things now and then. It's hard, I won't lie, it's hard to find any free time at all with a baby. When he's asleep (like now) I usually want to sleep myself. When he's awake, he wants my undivided attention. I am out of school until the 5th of December, so it's a great time to try to catch up on housework, and maybe dabble a little in hobby resuscitation, but once classes are back in session for me, I'm pretty much screwed as far as any hope for a free moment. There are books I would like to read! Mainly, more than anything, I want to get the whole house sparkling clean and organized. I would love to paint the walls and decorate the place. It is so hopelessly drab. Considering it was basically a bachelor's pad before I moved in, it's no wonder that it has never received the loving care that a home needs. I would like to brighten it up. Window treatments! Paint! Pictures! Things that wouldn't cost a lot and wouldn't get destroyed by kids or dogs. Stuff like this helps my depression. It helps me in ways that I can't explain to others. It just fucking helps me!

The Best Part of Today is I Made it Out of Bed

2011-11-08T15:01:00.000-08:00

I have tried to sleep off the horrible memory of yesterday, with no success. Yesterday, ah yesterday. I had been looking forward to Monday, November 7th for about three weeks, ever since I got up the nerve to call my old psychiatry office and make an appointment to go back. After a year and a half absence, I am beginning to crumble into leftovers of the old "crazy" me, and I don't like it! Yesterday I was to meet with the intake therapist to be reevaluated and start back on the road to saner days. Only, I didn't get to see the intake therapist. In fact, all I got was the wind knocked out of me and a resulting panic attack out of the whole ordeal.

My appointment was at 3p.m. I was so anxious about it that I even called the damn place right before we left the house to confirm, and they said yes, it was at 3p.m. We arrived at two minutes til' 3 (would have been sooner, but you know how it is with a baby) and I nervously walked up to the front desk to sign in. The receptionist (let's call her Ms. Cunt) glared at me for a few seconds (felt like minutes) before even saying anything. Then she said "Your appointment was at 2:30p.m."

"But I was told it was at 3p.m."

Further glare from Ms. Cunt. "No, it was at 2:30"

"But I just called and the other receptionist said 3p.m."

"Do you have insurance?"

"No." (which is the reason I have to go to this place for low-income, uninsured mentally ill patients. Duh.)

"Here. Fill this out." Ms. Cunt shoved a clipboard in my direction with a sheet about income to fill out. I took it back to my seat and, with the help of my fiance because I'm shaking and fighting back tears at this point, we quickly filled out the form. I took it back up to Ms. Cunt, where she glared at me (again!) before taking the clipboard from me. "You're going to have to reschedule" she said.

Yes. At this point I could have argued. I could have stood up for myself. I could have sighed and made a new appointment and gotten her to sign it in blood so I had proof of the time. I could have asked to speak to her manager. But no. I started crying, mumbled "Don't bother" and walked away.

I don't know how I will ever go back there. I don't really have any other options, as far as affordable care, though. I know a rude receptionist is not reason to avoid psychiatric treatment. It's not the end of the world. Get over it. Yada yada. But I was afraid before I even got there. Social phobia has a way of doing that. Now, I am terrified.

I need help. I have been too scared to drive (afraid I will crash and kill the kids in the car). I can't go anywhere in public without becoming a bundle of nerves and panicking. I had to get my mom to take my oldest daughter to her archery class last Saturday because the thought of being around other parents and kids made me literally sick. This is not normal. When symptoms of my condition start disrupting my ability to be a good mom, it is not acceptable to me. My chest hurts just thinking about making another appointment with the doctor, but what other choice do I have? Bury myself in a hole and die? My fiance and kids deserve the real me. Not the sick me. I will have to make that call. I will have to face my fear. Again. Hopefully with a better outcome than before.

2011-11-06T22:17:00.000-08:00

What is it about deciding to lose weight that makes you want to eat more? I came to the conclusion last week that it was time to shed off a few pounds of this post-pregnancy weight, and I've had the appetite of a teenage boy riddled with tapeworms ever since.

2011-11-03T02:51:00.000-07:00

I think I am going to work on sprucing this ol' blog up. A new background, perhaps a new title. I will have to get reacquainted with how to do all of that technical stuff on here. It's been a while, and things have changed. I'll probably change it a zillion times before I settle on what I want. In that case, it probably won't happen this week since I have final exams and a paper due. And laundry to do. And a lot of other household chores I need to get caught up on. Oh, and a baby. Don't forget the baby.

Yeah, probably won't happen this week.

Homecoming

2011-10-31T15:49:00.000-07:00

I have decided to start blogging again in an effort to release some of this massive anxiety that keeps building up inside of me. I've started having migraines on a regular basis again, and my blood pressure has been acting funky (high bp is a new thing for me, and it may be the cause-or effect!-of the migraines). Plus, I have an appointment with the intake therapist to be reevaluated and set up with the psychiatrist and therapist again, since I have not been in over a year, and it seems only fitting that I record my treatment journey as I have done in the past. I regret that I have been away so long. While I was pregnant I vowed to write. I didn't. Why should now be any different? It may not be. I may never write another blog on here again. Then again, maybe I have come home.

So, update on my life: My son is 4 months old. My fiance is terrific. I am a full time student (majoring in Psychology) and a full time homemaker/mother. And I love it!!! Sure, we're broke as shit, but I love taking care of my family, and pursuing my education-FINALLY!-makes it all the sweeter...and stressful!

That's all I have time for today. Happy Halloween! Hopefully I won't be such a stranger around here anymore.

Symptoms + Symptoms

2011-01-02T02:55:00.000-08:00

An update on meds: My last cocktail was 60mg Cymbalta, 150mg Lamictal, and .5mg Klonopin as needed for panic attacks. While it worked fairly well for nearly two years I made the decision a few months ago to wean myself off all the meds. The reason? I wanted another baby. I am now 11 weeks pregnant and the baby is doing well. As for me, I have had quite a rough time of it. Literally ALL DAY sickness has plagued me for the past 2 months, causing me to cut down to part time work (which to be truthful, I like a whole lot better than the 50+ hours I was working beforehand), and to be practically bed bound the majority of the time. The good news: *Hopefully* the 2nd trimester, which is up around the corner, will provide some relief from the constant head-in-the-toilet phenomenon. I will most likely continue working part time only, which will give me the perfect opportunity to get some serious writing done. It would also be nice if I can become well enough to do housework! And exercise! And eat more nutritiously! Luckily, I have been able to keep down enough prenatal vitamins and Powerade to prevent any major dehydration or malnutrition. Even so, I have been very weak and limited in doable activities. So it is no far fetched wonder that I have had the claws of depression sink into my skin once again. This had been a feared prospect, that I would not fare well without medication, especially with the added "bonus" of pregnancy hormones that often lead even the most sane women to become moody and erratic at times. I knew sooner or later I would have to weigh the options and the risks involved in medication versus potential psychosis and the effect each would have on my unborn child. After a couple of moderately suicidal days, my fiance and I came to the decision to talk to my doctor, and with her input we decided it would be in the best interest of Baby for Mother to be treated with a low dose antidepressant.

So I began 25mg of Zoloft two days ago. If I'm fortunate, this will be enough to keep me in a safe range of "rational enough" moods and no other drug or increase in dosage will be required. My feelings are the less medication the better while I am pregnant to decrease the chances of any ill effects on the child. I took Zoloft (5omg) throughout the entire pregnancy and breastfeeding stage of my youngest daughter and she is a beautiful, healthy 8 year old today. Luck, perhaps. I don't know how I would forgive myself if my baby suffered physically from this medication. But without it, I have seen how very bad things can get. I was not on any medication with my first daughter, I had not even been diagnosed with depression, let alone bipolar disorder at that point, and I underwent some major suicidal episodes while pregnant and postpartum. I know the dangers of getting that far out of hand emotionally, to the point that the delusional thinking takes over and warps what is real and what is not. At that time, not only the mother is in danger but the baby as well. It's like choosing the lesser of the evils. And of course some would argue that a woman with my background of mental illness should not become pregnant in the first place. And yes, it is a challenge, not only the pregnancy and postpartum eras, but the actual raising of a child. It is hard work (understatement). Throw in some psychotic breaks here and there, and perhaps "unfit mother" might slip from the mouths of others. But I love children. I love the two daughters that I have and I love this baby inside me. And while love in itself is not what protects a child and aids in its survival, it is what gives the mother the will to do whatever it takes to keep herself well enough to properly care for her children. My daughters have seen me in various states, some very scary, and there are no words to describe how much I regret that. But they have come to understand, at least a little, what the illness entails, what is Mom and what is Bipolar, and we have a good relationship. I also worry about the chances of any of my children developing bipolar disorder in their lifetime. It pains me to even consider them having to endure what this illness can throw at us. But, in the end, the desire to have a child prevailed. This will be my husband's first child, and he is so beyond excited, it's thrilling to make him so happy. I'm ecstatic! I love this man so much and I know he is going to make a wonderful father, just as he has been wonderful to me. I believe in us. I believe in the strength of our relationship and in our ability as a family. He and the children are everything to me. I devote myself to the challenge of Motherhood. It is the greatest purpose I have found thus far in my life.

2011-A New Beginning

2011-01-01T03:42:00.000-08:00

It feels odd and somewhat forced to come back to a blog I had forgotten about. So much has happened since the last time I wrote anything on here, and part of me thinks if I am going to blog again I should open a new account. A fresh beginning. But no...glancing over some of the lines I've penned previously, I know I can't really have a true start-over, not in real life, so why in blog form? So I will begin again here. Afterall, beginnings are rarely about ending anything, but more about a new perspective. My perspective changes every day, every minute it often seems.

This is what I resolve to to: 2011 is here. I have been beating myself up about not writing. Not writing anything. No work on my books, my stories, not even my journal and certainly not any blog production. The fear of failure and yada yada, you see. Well, no more of that. I vow to write something, anything every single day of 2011. I'm of course not aiming at stars here. I realize no writing for so long can hardly be reasonably lead to a bestseller being plucked out by my frail attempt at self discipline. But I do promise to write every day. Whether that is one sentence or three chapters, whether it is a mere journal entry or something potentially publishable. It all matters. It all matters. I can no longer allow myself to believe that breathing, eating and sleeping are any form of actual life. It is time to create.

fractions of the real thing

2008-11-03T15:31:00.001-08:00

While I was trying to remember

you were trying to forget

the bend of the air

that autumn smell

underneath our noses

it was falling out of place

Now I am left to wonder

Will there ever come a day

when I don't second guess myself

crack open myself

dilute myself

will there ever be a moment

where I hear my own beating heart

coming up beneath the crowds

above the misconstrued

does it ever feel like something noble

with overtones of satisfaction?

Will it ever be

like what I wanted it to be...

a simultaneous abstraction

coming together and breaking apart

where did I leave the best of me?

Everyone is waiting for something

a reason, a sunset

they stand shadow to shadow

waiting for the obsolete.

We are fractions of the real deal

cornered we look wary

hands shoved in our pockets

ready to pull out all the stops.

I wish I could stop

wandering alone in a broken town

where no one knows my name

they only think they know my story

I hear them spelling out the riddles

like they've found the latest puzzle piece

like they could glue all my aches together

and form the scenic route

of places in my heart, my brain,

places best forgotten.

Now I look back and you look forward

you spy weddings and children

and tapestries flung like hope

across your parted background

but would you remember

would you believe

that moving forward is not all

that it seems

the muck gets thick and complicated

Not like this past

where the windows are already broken

and the grass is still padded down like a mat

where no one is welcome

and no one leaves their door unlocked

in these parts anymore.

screwing

2008-10-27T18:10:00.000-07:00

Being a nice reliable person makes it easy for people to screw you over. Being self-centered and unrelenting tends to make it easier for people to refer to you as The Selfish Bitch. However, The Selfish Bitch rarely gets screwed over because she is too busy screwing other people over.

Which to be, which to be?

I must admit I have more often been the "too nice" person and even on occasion been accused of being "the bitch" as well. I've learned neither one fairs too well in this crazy ol' world of ours. You are either hated or you have people act like they like you just to see how much they can get out of ya!

This bothers me a great deal at the moment.

concentration

2008-10-27T16:55:00.000-07:00

I am more than a little perturbed at life's circumstances right now, all the while realizing that I can and should work through it regardless for the prize I desire. I have my whole book played out in my head but am having such a hard time putting it on paper. I know this is because subconsiously I am certain I will taint it in the travel from mind to paper. In the meantime I am filled with exhaustion, anxiety, frustration each time I sit down to write. I blame concentration. I feel I can't fully give wholeheartedly at work, because I have, well, actual work to do while I'm here! With the customers coming in and out, the phone, the boss...it's hardly the backstage for a masterpiece. And at home, it's the television, the husband constantly interrupting when he doesn't even know that's what he's doing-he just always has something to say or ask while I'm sitting there, as if I can't get that invisibly wall between us to look like a real one for the hour or two I need to get down to business. And now, I'm having to work 3 different shifts at work and I fear I'm going to fall under the pressure of losing sleep, and losing hope in the thing I really want to be doing all those hours-writing.

The fact of the matter is, I can't belittle my circumstances and denounce my chance to be something just because of a little noise. Distraction is inevitable. The bravery stems from attempting to work through the distraction and let my thoughts and efforts form a meeting ground in amongst the chaos. I'm not sure how to manage this, me being the ADD kind of person I am. But redundantly I must remind myself of the alternative...working here or some other crummy minimum wage job, struggling to make ends meet, never living up to the potential I know is there...that is not the life I want forever. No, this stage must be temporary, and if it takes every ounce of me to do it then I must do it! I can sleep when I'm dead!

2007-10-30T22:12:00.000-07:00

It's 1:30a.m. and I'm wired as usual. Work was good today except for this lady that deadbolted her door, went in her friend's adjoining room locking that door behind her when it can only be opened from her side. That was interesting. The manager had to come take the door down so she could get in. They are going to train me for the 3rd shift soon so I can fill in if the regular guy is sick or needs off for something. I don't mind. I work 3-11p.m. on 2nd shift and can't ever go to sleep so working 11p.m.-7a.m. should be no problem for me. It's the 1st shift I would hate. But even that would be bearable if I had to do it. I really like my job. I wish it paid a teensy weensy bit better, but nothing's perfect.

I will probably be moving out after Christmas. I hope to save atleast $2000 before that time to give me a little safety net. I just don't know how to do that to my girls. I want to take them with me but I can't afford it ( I would have to hire a babysitter for my work hours) and my ex would fight me for them. There's no easy answer to this situation. I either stay here for my girls and be miserable with my ex (which the girls would eventually catch on to if they haven't already) or be selfish and get my own place and only see them on the weekends. This is stressing me out so much.

Sleepless in Georgia

2007-10-26T01:01:00.000-07:00

I love my job. I work 3-11p.m. at a hotel as a front desk clerk. My job is the highlight of my life these days. One thing about getting off at 11---I'm wired and can't go to sleep when I get home. It's currently 4:04 a.m. here. Wide awake. No signs of sleep coming my way.

So I'm online of course, and I just realized tonight that I am no longer a member of Bipolar Planet. Not sure when this happened or why I was "kicked out" but I rejoined and am waiting for approval. I find it unsettling that even the online world has apparently deserted me. Yes, I'm being whiney. But seriously. I'm ashamed of myself. I keep scaring people out of my life and I haven't a clue how. I am very self-absorbed. Yes. That must be it.
Whatever the case, I figured I should start blogging again on a REGULAR BASIS. Hold me to it, you know me, I get lazy. The truth is, I'm at my wit's end with my novel. I was hoping to have it publisher ready by the time I'm 30 (which is amazingly only 1 year, 8 months away) but at this rate I'll still be dribbling over the same pathetic antics when I'm 90 or dead or whatever happens to me. I keep changing my mind about how I want it to begin and how I want it to end and the whole purpose of it gets shoved to this side and that side and now I'm to a point where I can't even look at the rough draft without getting sick to my stomach, as if it's a dead corpse being torn apart by buzzards right before my very eyes. I hate that I can't get it right.
So I'm going to take a break from it for a while. Maybe forever. Now that thought just petrifies me, that I would actually give up on the one thing I want more than anything. But given my record, I wouldn't put it past myself. I've reached a level of living that is merely just survival rate. Do enough to stay alive. Keep breathing in and out. Eat when hunger strikes. Go to work. Love those two precious daughters. Sleep when possible. That's about it. I don't enjoy anything. I don't care for anything. I just do what's necessary to keep my head above water. And I wouldn't even call it depression. It's just a lack of normal functioning. Somedays it IS depression. Somedays it's bitterness. But tonight, rather this morning, it's just plain out I-don't-give-a-damn.
Medication update: I take Klonopin for my nerves on an as needed basis. That's it. I've been off medications for about 3 months now, I'm *supposed* to be taking Seroquel and if my dr. asks I certainly am! But just between you and me, I'm getting along fine without it. Mood swings are to a minimal. No more voices or hallucinations ( I KNOW these were brought on by the various medications I've been on, why else would they cease to exist after I stopped taking them?) All in all I'm okay. I really am. Most days I don't even believe I'm bipolar, let alone the other gems I've been labeled with. I believe I just had a rough patch in life and I handled it a little off keel to what the average human being would have done. And this rough patch extends itself over seemingly neverending horizons, and yet I am succeeding just as well if not better without daily pills. That is my victory. That is my ha-ha at the world. I'm not sick. I'm not crazy. Just a little unwell.

full circle

2007-10-20T13:53:00.000-07:00

Once again I find myself in a deep hole of depression. One good thing, I got a full time job about three weeks ago and it keeps me going. Two weeks ago I moved back in with my ex-husband, not because I love him (I certainly don't) but because I missed my girls and I couldn't handle them begging me to come back anymore. Immediately I regret my decision to move back in. My ex is driving me crazy. On a better note, the girls seem happy. And I want them to be happy. And I can't bear the thought of what it would do to them if I left again. But part of me, most of me, wants to save up my money and get my own apartment. It has been such a crazy year. I left last October and moved in with my high school sweetheart D, that lasted 4 months until my mood swings and episodes got to him so bad that he couldn't stand to be there anymore. I moved in with my parents back in March and that was horrible, the verbal abuse was really getting to me. I was engaged for a short while to a guy I met in DBT and though I have broken things off with him he still is hounding me, texting and calling me everyday, etc. I still miss D, still love him as much as I always did, still feel so much regret over what I put him through during those 4 months. We still talk to each other from time to time. I see him sometimes when he's in town. I want to apologize to him and have him give me another chance, just one more chance, that's all I need. But I think I've used all my chances. So here I am, stuck with someone I don't love for the sake of the two girls I love more than anything in this world, and I'm lonely. I'm hurt. I'm scared. I'm aware of the fact that I don't have a single friend around me to tell how I really feel. So I don't talk to them at all. And they forget me. And maybe, just maybe, that's the way it's supposed to be. It's what I deserve. For the mistakes I've made. If it wasn't for my daughters I don't think anything could stop me from putting a bullet straight through my head.

where is she now?

2007-08-19T07:36:00.000-07:00

I'm amazed at just how long it's been since I've blogged anything. There's good reason for that. I just finished the rough draft of my novel, that has kept me pretty busy. Small accomplishment, a lot of grueling work ahead. But it's something I suppose.

As far as illness, I am doing well. I'm not hearing and seeing things that aren't really there anymore (knock on wood somebody) and besides some mild bouts with depression my moods have been quite stable the past couple of months. I'm able to look back and see that a lot of the grief was situational, if I allow myself to get stressed over anything it's inevitable that the boogeymen come back to play. Being unemployed, living with my parents, writing a book, getting engaged, having a couple of things leave me brokenhearted...okay, a little stress. But I am managing well. I did try to go back to work and it didn't go so great, I ended up walking out in a huge panic attack. My disability was denied, as I was assured it would be the first try, and I am debating whether to appeal or to try work once again. Right now, my writing is my work, although pay would be nice, it creates a purpose and a goal and I am my own boss. I work when I want to on it, force myself sometimes when doubts get me down, and I have no one looking over my shoulder. If I get published one day great, I will have found my calling. If I don't, then atleast I can't say I didn't give it all that was within me.

Being engaged to a man that struggles with the same mental problems as I do is a lot like scrambling eggs, but he truly loves me. He loves my kids. He would never physically harm me. We have a lot of fun together most of the time. But now that the ring is on my finger it appears he has some form of a June Cleaver hope for my abilities as a future wife and when I don't do something right all hell breaks loose. This is a little unnerving. But the wedding isn't set until sometime next May so I still have time to back out if I see fit. I scarcely see any other future for myself coming about. I know that is not the right reason to marry someone. I've married for convenience before and it doesn't work. To marry for love...I wonder what that is like. Does anyone really do that?? Well in that case, there is only one person in the world I could honestly marry for that reason, and unfortunately that will never happen. If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with. I suddenly hate that song.

2007-03-20T11:43:00.000-07:00

I ended up having one of those bad episodes yesterday evening. My parents called the clinic and got my therapist on the phone and took me to see her and then took me to the ER planning for me to go to the hospital again but by the time the doctor saw me there I was calmed down so they just gave me something to make me sleep and sent me home. I'm just really tired today. Really depressed. There is no place for me to put my things in my parents' house. They are hoarders, never throw anything away, it's verging on squalor I swear! I had gotten used to having my uncluttered clean apartment all to myself, now I am having to deal with this crap everywhere and dog and cat hair on everything. I plan to do some major cleaning in their house when I get the energy, but they are the kind of people that don't like their stuff rearranged or anything. I hate being here. It is not going to work out. I am trying to think of some other options.

2007-03-19T14:44:00.000-07:00

I have not felt good today. I hate my life basically. I hate that I have lost the only one I have ever really truly loved. I hate living with my parents. I hate not being able to concentrate. Being tired all the time. A doped up kind of feeling that won't go away. I hate that I keep feeling depressed despite all the med I'm on to help with that. I hate not knowing what to do. I'm a terrible writer. Terrible at poetry, short stories, my pathetic book. I hate that I can't find one single thing right about myself today. I hate having to wait for school to start this summer, it's like waiting to fail at something else. I hate being a failure. I hate living. I hate feeling dead. I hate hate hate it.

2007-03-13T11:54:00.000-07:00

After meeting back with my regular therapist and doctor today they seem to think a more accurate possibility is Schizoaffective Disorder, which is a form of schizophrenia that has a lot of characteristics of bipolar as well. The doctor increased my Abilify to 10mg, hopefully the side effects will not prevail.

Some good news is that I was accepted back to the community college I was in years before to finish my journalism degree and maybe dabble a little in psychology. I will start summer semester. I plan to just take two courses at a time at first in hopes that I don't get too stressed out. I'm excited and nervous about going back to school. It makes me feel young and old at the same time. It's a goal to work toward nonetheless, a positive to focus my attention on. Between that and the writing of my book I should have enough to keep me busy.

a new diagnosis

2007-03-12T12:38:00.000-07:00

I've just emerged from another mental hospital, Laurelwood, which is located in Gainesville, GA. Truly a difference of night and day from the previous place I was in. This place actually helped me a great deal, changed my meds, even changed my diagnosis. Schizophrenia. Such a scary word. Does this mean I'm not bipolar, not bpd, or that I am all rolled into one? I didn't ask. I should have. I have spent the past day or so trying to learn more about schizophrenia. Along with the general symptoms I have found interesting tidbits such as many "schizos" (I hate that word) are born in summer months (my b-day is in June), that a winter virus in the mother may be a reason for the disease, along with malnutrition of the baby in utero and/or early months of life, and that sensitivity to sun is a characteristic of the disorder (which I am very sensitive to). All very interesting reading. I've learned that schizophrenia is not just a see/hear things that aren't there, but it's actually a malfunction in how the brain takes in the world around it, it's a matter of the thought process being distorted where things go in and come out all wrong. This explains a lot to me, more than bipolar ever did. Schizophrenia also causes mood problems, especially depression. There are many things I still don't know. I have many questions.

Does this explain why I used to hide under the table and wouldn't come out when I was a small child in Sunday School?

Is it why I have seen shadow people and baby Jesus being killed with a knife and the shadow of JFK's head circling around my room when I was a kid?

What about when I was 16, severely depressed, and thought Edgar Alan Poe was in love with me and visited my room every day and had written poems about me?

Is it why I am so severely socially phobic, why I always think people are talking about me, laughing at me, out to get me?

Is it why I get so utterly confused at times, can't tell what's real from what is a dream, sometimes feel like I'm not even here?

And there are so many other things, things I thought must be bipolar related, how else could I explain them?

What are diagnosis's anyway?

Does it really matter what the problem is called? Well in this case it did, because it meant a different combo of meds. I am now on Cymbalta, Abilify again, only at a lower dose for now to combat the side effects, Trazadone, and Ativan for really tense times. So far I feel better, just tired. Really tired actually. I think a lot of that has to do with the stress I've been under.

My boyfriend broke up with me for one thing. I guess he was tired of putting up with my emotional crap and taking pills away from me. I really don't blame him. I have no job now, so I am forced with the decision to break the lease on my apartment and move in with my parents for a while. I've applied for disability but I know that gets denied most of the time. I'm not happy about the prospect of it but I'm kind of desperate at the moment.

Well I'm too tired to write any more for now.

2007-02-20T15:19:00.000-08:00

I admit it, I'm a bad blogger. I haven't written much lately besides med squabble and I have scarcely read or commented on anyone else's blogs. I have a computer at home now, so hopefully I can get some wireless internet up and running soon so I will have more time to be a good blog girl :)

Anyway, I've been a busy bee. I applied for college, to finish my journalism degree and maybe dabble a bit in psychology as well. If I get accepted my courses will begin in the summer. I am excited and anxious and half expecting to not get accepted back in after all.

I have also applied at my daughter's school for next year to work in the cafeteria. It would provide me with better hours, I would be off when my kids are out of school, and I can get health insurance. I am supposed to call tomorrow about setting up an interview.

I chickened out of trying the new drug but depression and anxiety forced me to do something so I am temporarily back on Effexor until I can meet with my dr. again in a couple of weeks. Ironically by taking it alone and not with the Lamictal I have not gone manic. That is really weird since the Lamictal was supposed to stabilize mood. I don't know, maybe it's because I was so depressed this time around, it just hasn't reached a high point. I would like to gain a better understanding of the drugs I am putting into my body. Whatever the case, my DBT group is going well. I go for my 3rd session this Thursday. It's a little exhausting, this trying to rewire my way of thinking and reacting, but well worth the effort.

2007-02-06T16:19:00.000-08:00

Well she switched me to something new called Invega and she gave me a small prescription of Ativan to help get rid of this restless crap--she had a name for what I was feeling--akathisia. ANyway, I will probably wait until next week to start the Invega since I have no idea what wonderful side effects it will bring and since my manager is going to be out of town I cannot, absolutely CANNOT miss any work this week. I don't even know if I wil try it at all. I really don't know.

2007-02-06T07:43:00.000-08:00

It's bewildering to me how the medications work and don't work at the same time. They are never complete. And it becomes a battle of the so called illness and the side effects that to me are all together just as frightening as the former.

I ended up in the ER Friday from the Abilify. My blood pressure had went up and I couldn't focus on anything. They gave me a strong Benadryl type prescription med to help with the side effects but it did nothing. Didn't even make me go to sleep like they said it would. I see my dr. again today to discuss the next option. Options, options, options.

I remember being so inhabitably depressed before I started the Abilify last Monday. And by Tuesday something dreadful had lifted from me. I was no longer dead. But it still felt wrong. The speeding up of everything inside me, like I am moving so much faster on the inside than I am on the outside. Even now I feel it, though I quit the Abilify 3 days ago. I still feel jittery, restless. I am so sleepy, groggy, but my mind won't let me rest. I can't read, can't concentrate. It must be getting better because today is the first day I have been able to write, but even so everything is tumbling forth so clumsy-like, it makes no sense to me. And as brilliant as I have felt the past few days I can feel it gradually seeping away again. The crying is coming back, the fits of tears for no logical reason. I know this is the beginning again. The depression is inevitable. I feel as if I am walking alongside the edge of a cliff and will lose my footing and topple back down any minute. And I don't know which is worse, up here or down there. None of it seems worth the effort anymore.

The voices--I'm noticing that during a mania or mixed episode I hear the voices and see things after a few days of little or no sleep. It is then that the voices are a soft muttering, whispering, often it seems they are in a different language. There are several voices all talking at the same time, all muttering in such a way that I am convinced they are demons, they all want me to die. And they seem to tell me all the many ways I could do it. They are constant for 1-4 hours at a time. I call these times "episodes" because I hear this and I see awful things like dead people and gruesome things, and the people who have been around me during these times say it's like I become a totally different person, like I am resorting back to childhood, in a very childlike state. And I am aware of this and agree because when it's happening it's almost like I am watching someone else do and say these things that I do. I feel like I'm trapped inside and someone else has taken control. I know the voices and visions aren't really there but I can't make them go away. Like half my brain believes what it sees and hears and the other half doesn't.

On Geodon the voices and hallucinations were much the same, only they came without a so called "episode" or mania. I really didn't feel like that med helped at all, maybe made things worse, and I was constantly sleepy, to the point of not being able to function. I stopped taking it after two weeks, because I am a wuss I suppose.

On the Abilify my depression went away almost instantly, my paranoia/delusions went away almost as quickly, and I don't recall any hallucinations of any sort. Voices, however, did happen a few times (and still are today), only they are much different. For one thing they are outloud, not just a whisper, they are in plain English, they come in short bursts, out of nowhere, and the words are plain but don't make any sense. They are in the voice of a young man, kind of like on a radio, an announcer voice. There have been a couple of instances where I felt a hand on me that wasn't really there. I still feel very antsy from the Abilify and out of focus. I can't sleep, even with sleeping pills. I'm very revved up inside, and very tired.

I will try to sort all of this out and tell the dr.

2007-01-29T12:04:00.000-08:00

As always I came back from the dr feeling just as confused and hopeless as I did before I went. I don't know why but I never can seem to tell her exactly what's going on, I can't ever seem to explain myself. I just clam up and am pretty much speechless. It's not her fault, it's me. It is so much easier to talk to the counselor, I see her Wednesday. Sometimes I wish I could just see her and let her tell the dr everything so I wouldn't even have to go through that part. Too bad it doesn't work that way.

Anyway, Abilify it is for now. She wanted to try lithium but I'm still a little wary of that one, so she suggested the Abilify. I actually don't know much at all about Abilify and I was too stupid to ask questions while I had my chance. I did stress to her that my main problems right now are severe depression, anxiety, and paranoia. The problem I keep running into is that the antidepressants always wind me way up into this awful manic state, with the racing thoughts and the panic attacks and the biting everyone's head off. She said to take the Abilify for atleast a week before adding Wellbutrin for the depression. I'm still scared. I am in such a pickle ya know. I am so far down and yet the only thing that could bring me up brings me way way too up, to the point of not being any better than the depression. I feel like I have no options. That balance has yet to be found. I feel like I have two bars pushing at me, one above and one below me, both scrunching me up at the same time. I'm oozing out sideways into fits of depression, fits of mania, fits of things that don't even have a name. I keep wondering why there isn't something to just make it all go away. Why can't there be a pill for the source of the problem that calms down all the demons, not just quieting some and aggravating the others. Why does it have to be this way?? What if there is no right combination for me EVER??

My head hurts.

Anyway, the DBT class starts Thursday. Yes, it is primarily for Borderline Personality Disorder, not Bipolar. I have both. And to be quite honest I really hate this. I hate how I act, how I feel, how I can't seem to get anything right. I hate how no one seems to understand this. While I know this isn't the worst thing in the world, it feels like it to me right now. I can't escape the weight of all the problems right now. I didn't tell the dr. this today but I have a box under my bed that holds my sleeping pills and some other pills and all the sharp objects I own, and a picture of my two daughters is taped to the outside. Because I don't trust myself to remember the reason to stay here sometimes. I can now see their faces staring up at me and I imagine someone telling them their Mama died...and that keeps me from doing anything. It works for me. Can't stop thinking about it though. Sometimes I'm afraid I'm going to start sleepwalking and do it in my sleep. Kind of dumb and farfetched. I leave a light on at night lately. I'm afraid of ghosts. I'm afraid of dumb things like that these days. I think more than anything I'm afraid of myself. And there's nothing I can do to keep myself away.

I can't trust myself. That's pretty much what it comes down to right now.

In my mind this is how it goes. I'm doing an awful job at work, no one likes me there, I keep doing stuff wrong, I feel like they are going to fire me any minute. My boyfriend is going to leave me, I'm sure of it, I can sense it in his voice on the phone. No medicine is ever going to help me. I'm not fit to live with. I make everyone want to go away. Are these just feelings or are these things real?

Today in the waiting room I made a friend with some hispanic guy who is bipolar too. We exchanged email addresses. He's a very talkative person and it felt good to talk to someone, even if I did have suspicions he was completely crazy, maybe manic, and maybe I come across the same way to other people. Whatever the case I didn't tell him I had a boyfriend. He asked if I lived alone and I said I had a room mate that was never home. I let him draw his own conclusions. Is this cheating?? To want someone to pay me some attention so badly that I would lie about the existence of the one I love more than air? I need something I'm not getting. I need too much. I'm a needy, whiney, spoiled little girl in the body of an overweight ugly 27 year old body. The fact is I would like for anyone to make me feel liked and pretty and interesting right now, even if it's a crazy stranger in the mental health department waiting room.

My ex-husband has a girlfriend now. I am so happy for him. He has a normal human being to talk to. She's a Christian. They pray together I think. It's darling. I really mean that. One problem solved, a half million more to go.

2007-01-25T17:48:00.000-08:00

I see the dr. Monday, my counselor Wednesday, and I start a DBT class Thursday, it's some kind of therapy group my counselor thought would be beneficial in some way. We'll see. I'm so not doing well. I took an Effexor two days in a row just to get a little pick me up out of the depression, stupid I know, after only two days I could feel myself getting manic, so I didn't take anymore and now I am extremely depressed again. All I do is lay in bed, cry, go to work and pretend I'm normal, go back home and cry some more. Can't read, can't write, can't think, can't find anything to make the ache go away. I feel like everyone in the world is against me, I am so alone, I just want to die. I am so sick of this!!!! I know how I feel doesn't make sense, I know my feelings can't be trusted, but I can't see anything else. I can't see the good in anything. I miss my boyfriend, he's never here. He's never going to be here. He's always going to be gone for his job and when he's here, will he really be "here"? I don't even think he loves me, what if he's just waiting for the perfect moment to leave, what if I've brought this all on myself? I miss my girls. I go see them most days, but it's hard. All of this is so hard. What have I done? Why am I like this? When does it ever start falling into place? I wish I had someone to talk to but if I did there are no words to say. Who wants to hear someone complain anyway? And that's all I do, complain. I want to see the good in life, I want to see that things do eventually get better. I'm scared. I'm tired. I'd do anything to feel whole, to be real, to be solid, to be strong. I'd do anything. So I'll go to the dr., admit to her I'm off my meds, ask her to fix me. More drugs that may or may not work. More side effects. More reasons to doubt this life is ever going to be worth living.

2007-01-20T13:10:00.000-08:00

I don't know what to do with myself. Today was awful. We had a birthday party for my daughter and I was surrounded by my family, my ex-husband's family, all the people that make me the most tense in life. My daughter had a great time, so for that I am thankful. That's what counts. For her I stuck it out. I didn't bail out. I pretended I didn't hear when everyone kept telling my ex what a wonderful job he had done with the party. Why do people assume I have nothing to do with my kids?? Why do they think I just showed up, that I wasn't the one that planned it all out, that I wasn't the one cleaning the house for him yesterday evening, that I wasn't the one who decorated? I don't want credit for anything, I just don't understand why people think I'm not even a mother anymore just because I am too poor and crazy to have them live with me. I hate myself. What I've become, what I've always been. I cry all the time. It aches. I'm having a really bad bout of depression. This is the first winter in 7 years that I am not on antidepressants. I am almost tempted to start back taking the rest of the Effexor that is in my kitchen cabinet. Hair loss is better than this. But I forget, the Effexor wasn't helping me feel that much better either. No, it was making me manic. Imagine taking it without the Lamictal, what would it do?? But God it felt so good not to be so anxious!! I still have the prescriptions for the Lamictal and Wellbutrin. I never got them filled, even with the coupon that I could use to get them both for only $20. I don't even know if I can get them filled now, I've had them tucked away for longer than 30 days. You ask why I got off my meds. I have no clear answer. I panicked. I thought this isn't working, this isn't any better than before the meds. I had no money. $20, that's all it was going to be to get my meds with the assistance program they got me on at the mental health department. But $20 is gas money. It's groceries. It's the water bill. It's $20 I didn't have. So I ran out of meds. And I quit drinking. And I told myself it's better this way. Nothing to help or hinder. Nothing to regret. Only here I am, so depressed I want to die. My daughters keep me here, the ones I apparently am not a mother to anymore. My boyfriend keeps me here, the one I don't ever see because he's travelling all over the world for his job. God keeps me here, the One I'm afraid of because I know I've disappointed Him. I keep myself here, by not doing what my mind thinks of doing all the time. I've tried that before, it didn't work. The hospital didn't help. The changes I made didn't help. Nothing helps. Nothing will ever make this go away.

2007-01-15T10:36:00.000-08:00

I wonder if depression can even be defined. I know some describe it as a complete void of emotion, an emptiness, a heaviness, a grief, an unexplained overload of all the worst feelings possible. It's all of these and yet that doesn't even touch upon what it's really like, does it? I don't know. I only know when it's here, like now, there is no escaping it. Some people say Keep yourself busy. Do something you enjoy. Find a good friend to talk to. But nothing can really make it go away until it has run its course, much like the flu. The clear liquid friends might make it a little more bearable but they don't hold the answers any more than you do. And I think people that have never experienced depression are the worst individuals you could possibly cling to at a moment like this. They're going to be the ones that tell you about all the things in their life that have made them sad and how they felt better after a cup of hot chocolate. They're going to tell you to get over it. Grin and bear it. Snap out of it. Stop being selfish. But a friend that knows what it's like will understand why you feel so lonely and yet why you want to be alone at the same time. They will know that their silence or a quick "I love you" is all you need to hear, they'll know that holding you while you cry and not asking what the hell is wrong with you for the 12th time--that being there is a lot more important than trying to understand it. That friend will know that they can't possibly understand what you are going through any more than you can when they are going through it. Because it's different for everybody. I don't know, I think I usually want to just know there's people who care. I don't want to see them, I don't want to talk to them, I just want to know they care about me and they'll be there when I get better.

So, what do YOU want when you're depressed?

I went to church last night. A friend had called earlier in the week and invited me, and as tempting as it was to stay home and doubt her sincerity in the invitation, I stuck a little stale courage up my sleeve and went. And I may go back next week. The preacher is 21, he didn't seem fake, and the people there were really nice and not overly nosey about my personal life. And I had someone to sit with--my friend, who unlike most people in my life is there for me in that good kind of way, not judging me, not suffocating me, just letting me have some space all the while knowing she's there when I'm ready to talk about it. And eventually I may tell her everything, or atleast part of it. I may tell her the reasons for the divorce, the reasons for all of it. Or I may always keep that to myself. Does that part really even matter at this point? She's someone I can move forward with, on any account. And my best friend, the one I've had since 8th grade, she's still there. She doesn't pretend to understand why I have made a mess of so much, she doesn't ask. She pretty much just treats me like it never happened and I actually like that most of all. The point I'm trying to make is while I have lost my family and a handful of fairweather friends and aquaintenances and a church congregation and whoever I may run into at the local grocery store that knows me...it doesn't really matter that much if I can come out of it with one or two friends that in essence say look, you're not a perfect character in this crazy mixed up play we're in, but you still matter to me. I have trust issues, I won't deny that. These two friends may totally abandon me, they may have ulterior motives, they may prove to be a snare. But out of everyone, I trust them. Especially L, my best friend of almost 15 years. Amazingly in 8th grade at age 13 I found my truest friend and my truest love, D. Who says 13 is such an unlucky number!

So I feel alone. But I'm not alone. I feel alone to the point that *in my mind* it overpowers the truth that I'm not alone. But overpowered or not, the truth remains and when I'm able to climb out of this hole I will be greeted with that fact. I'm not alone. I'm not alone.

I've started to recognize things since I've been off my meds for 2 months, things that the meds helped with that suddenly have reappeared. I had actually forgotten that I have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Forgotten, denied, however you want to look at it. Whatever the case, I have not had these OCD tendencies that have crept up on me once again. The moodswings, well, those have always been a constant whether medicated or not, but without meds they are...different. Not really better or worse, just different. Can't really describe it. I think it's kind of like when you have a cold and you can't smell things as potently and then when you get well and your nose clears it's like WOW I can smell!!! lol I think the meds kind of deadened my awareness of some things. I don't think they really made me better in those areas, I think I can actually control myself ever so slightly (slightly being the key word here) when I know what's going on. I can see my moods. I can react to them. Or counteract, however you want to look at it. I am better at distancing myself from people at the worst heights of it because I am able to sense the change before it gets out of hand. There's so much I wish I could control, God I try to control it!!! But since I can't, it gives me a little reassurance that I'm more like a werewolf now in the fact that I see the full moon approaching without a false since of calm and I lock myself away (not literally lock myself away but you get the picture-I think) so that the force of it is felt by only me and not those around me. The writing thing helps a lot. It gives me something to channel all the friction into. I don't even wonder if what I write is good. It's free drugs as far as I'm concerned. ANd the writing will get better, I know it will. It will.

The anxiety though, man, it's bad. I'd forgotten just how bad it could be. It's a constant thing, and the panic attacks are the worst, the irritability being a close second. WHile I can usually predict what mood is coming on I cannot seem to predict when I'm going to bite someone's head off over something as mundane as my child asking if I will pop her a bag of popcorn.

So if there was a medication JUST for OCD and JUST for anxiety (which really the OCD is brought on by the anxiety right?) that did not have any counterproducting side effects on my moods, my self-awareness, and the amount of hair that I have on my head, and could help with weightloss (because sadly since I have went off the Lamictal I have gained 6 lbs back :( ) then I would more than likely consider trying the pill route again. THis is all stuff to discuss with my psychiatrist on the 29th of course. She will write me another prescription. She will lightly place her beliefs about it all on the table. She will ultimately accept whatever I tell her I'm going to do.

2007-01-08T18:12:00.000-08:00

I hadn't even realized how long it's been since I wrote in my blog. And now that I'm here writing again I don't really know what to say. I'm a little defeated at the moment, not at my worst, but certainly not at my best either, whatever that is. I'm off my meds, since the very end of November. I have good days and bad days. My hair's not falling out anymore. I'm up and down A LOT, but I am learning to work with it, learning that fighting it is like trying to pick a fit with a tiger. Don't fight a beast that has the ability to tear you to shreds. Submit to it, and the sharpest of razors won't leave quite as many scars.

The main reason I haven't been coming here to write is a good reason...the reason being I have been diligently working on my book. I am beginning to realize it is the best medication for me, to allow myself to be who I was before the meds and let the blood of it flow onto paper instead of onto the people around me. I can feel the beast welling up inside me and I throw it into words. I think maybe God would want me to do it this way. Why drug your soul, if that's who you really are at the core of your existence?? I'm not saying this is true for everyone...but I think for me at this time in my life it is the only thing I can do. Plus the meds are just too damn expensive lol

Relationships...oh God, relationships. Divorce is the gift that just keeps on giving, I can tell you that for a fact. Just when the battle is over...the war begins. And my boyfriend? He loves me. I've known him half my life and I know him well enough to know that he really loves me. But he is a broken person much like myself, only in different ways, and showing love and affection--two things I yearn for so deeply right now through all these storms--showing those things are apparently impossible for him right now. I cry a lot. He doesn't understand. But he tries. And still it aches. It aches to feel alone and be alone. To know that friends I once had, "Christian" friends, are too quick to pass judgement on me. I divorced a pastor, I live with a guy, I "abandoned" my children (though I swear that is not at all the case), all these "sins" they can't look past. There are message boards online I don't feel welcome at anymore, still I visit them, stay in the shadows, wonder why everyone in my real world AND my online world suddenly feel that I am not someone to embrace. It's a subtle form of excommunication whether they realize it or not. Ironic how the one time in my life I could really use the friendship, the one time when I am trying to reach out and not shut everyone out, there is no one left. Well, that's okay. I deserve it, right? I made these choices. Okay. I did it. Sorry, God. Sorry, perfect people. I ultimately proved I am a human being. Leprosy covers me, and everything I touch. So God forbid you have anything to do with me. Thanks. I owe you one.

calming down

2006-11-20T10:57:00.000-08:00

My Lamictal has been increased from 100mg to 200mg and it's made a world of difference!! The mania is gone, no more hearing or seeing things that aren't really there, no more suicidal thoughts. I am still wary of the Effexor and when I see my dr. I am going to ask to be switched to something else. I am certain it is what caused the mania and probably hair loss, even if she said it's rare for that to happen. There has to be SOME reason my hair keeps falling out and since my regular dr. and even my gyno dr. couldn't find anything physically wrong to cause it then I'm left with the med as the only possibility. I've been on the Geodon for almost a week, so far I can't see any difference from that (it's supposed to help with concentrating and focusing) the side effect of drowsiness seems to be slacking off a little so that's good. I've been very forgetful lately, of course I have always ALWAYS had that problem lol it just seems to be getting worse as time progresses. Anyway, that's the update on me.

I will be checking in as often as I can since the library is just down the road from me. I hope you are all doing well.

2006-11-17T09:33:00.000-08:00

I'm still alive. I find it to be perfect timing that taymachelle said the Effexor could make ya go manic, because that is precisely what I have been experiencing this week. I just increased my Lamictal to see if that will help. I've also been put on an antipsychotic, Geodon, so far all I notice is drowsiness and headache, no improvement. Last night I was so manic I heard voices whispering all at once, telling me to slice my wrists open. It was a frightening experience. That hasn't happened in quite a while, not since I started the Lamictal in the first place. I am slowly realizing maybe the Effexor is my enemy here. It doesn't seem to be helping the depression nearly as much as it was, my hair is still falling out, even more so now, and I'm having bouts of mania that are only cut short by the drowsy effect of the Geodon. I also learned from my dr. and therapist that I am possibly suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder in addition to the bipolar. I'm just a big fuckin' freakshow, I tell ya!! I feel like I'm spinning out of control. It's not supposed to be like this. I'm supposed to be all better, like I was just a couple of weeks ago. I'm not supposed to go back to this. Why is this happening???? I am so confused, so upset, so utterly bewildered with myself right now. I don't want to end up in the hospital again but at this point I feel my only two options are that or dying. I really don't know what else to do. I know that's not what anyone wants to hear from me, I'm supposed to be all well and bunches of daisies now that I have made so many drastic changes for the better. I'm supposed to be all together now. Well damn it, I'm not!! I'm not. I don't think I ever will be.

2006-11-17T09:21:00.000-08:00

I'm still alive. I find it to be perfect timing that taymachelle said the Effexor could make ya go manic, because that is precisely what I have been experiencing this week. I just increased my Lamictal to see if that will help. I've also been put on an antipsychotic, Geodon, so far all I notice is drowsiness and headache, no improvement. Last night I was so manic I heard voices whispering all at once, telling me to slice my wrists open. It was a frightening experience. That hasn't happened in quite a while, not since I started the Lamictal in the first place. I am slowly realizing maybe the Effexor is my enemy here. It doesn't seem to be helping the depression nearly as much as it initially was, my hair is still falling out, even more so now, and I'm having bouts of mania that are only cut short by the drowsy effect of the Geodon. I also learned from my dr. and therapist that I am possibly suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder in addition to the bipolar. I'm just a big fuckin' freakshow, I tell ya!! I feel like I'm spinning out of control. It's not supposed to be like this. I'm supposed to be all better, like I was just a couple of weeks ago. I'm not supposed to go back to this. Why is this happening???? I am so confused, so upset, so utterly bewildered with myself right now. I don't want to end up in the hospital again but at this point I feel my only two options are that or dying. I really don't know what else to do. I know that's not what anyone wants to hear from me, I'm supposed to be all well and bunches of daisies now that I have made so many drastic changes for the better. I'm supposed to be all together now. Well damn it, I'm not!! I'm not. I don't think I ever will be.

2006-10-31T07:20:00.000-08:00

Thanks for the responses. I called my dr. and she said that hair loss from the Effexor was very rare but it did happen. She suggested switching my med to Prozac but I have a bad feeling about that. And I don't want to switch from something that is working so well to something that may or may not work at all or make me worse. I am thinking maybe, just maybe stress is causing the hair problem. Obviously I've been through a lot recently and though things are getting better for me I still have a lot of crap to work through. So I'm thinking that may be the problem. I was doing some research online about it and it supports my theory. Anyway, I'm going to wait on switching the Effexor. I see my dr. November 13, maybe I won't be bald by then lol

Other than that, not much to account for. I'm doing great, actually :) I think I will go check up on some of your blogs since I'm here at the library. I miss reading what everyone is doing these days.

2006-10-28T18:16:00.000-07:00

Something is making my hair fall out. After doing a little research I concur that the Effexor is the culprit. I plan on calling my dr. first thing Monday to ask what the heck??? It sucks that I have found a med that helps with the depression and doesn't cause weight gain...but causes hair loss. I am wondering if this is a temporary side effect?? When I brush, wash, or even run my fingers through my hair there are so many strands of hair on the floor it's a wee bit alarming! I have also considered that it might be stress causing it or a vitamin deficiency or maybe even a delayed reaction to the Depakote I was on a couple of months ago. Whatever the case, I would like to keep my locks no matter how frizzy and unruly they are lol

I've been a little up and down this week, kind of like last week. I cried a lot yesterday. I cried a lot today too. Today was my last anniversary with my husband. We spent most of the day together just hanging out and we went to eat at my favorite restaurant, something we have always done for our anniversary. It was a sad day. Maybe that's why I'm so tired. I'm about to go home to my apartment, just as soon as my laundry gets done. He wanted me to stay tonight. I just can't do that. It's time to let go. We both have to let go and move on into the unknown future. Who knows what lies in store. I'm scared. But I'm ready.

movin' along

2006-10-22T11:53:00.001-07:00

I tried to write something last night but stupid Blogger was messed up. Oh well. I can't even remember what I wanted to write about anyway. I'm going to miss having a computer. I will probably spend my first night in my apartment tomorrow night. I am off work tomorrow so maybe I can finish getting everything together. I went and bought a ton of air freshener stuff today to hopefully mask the musty moldy smoke smell in there. It is so gross people! You should all come see it lol My friend J came over yesterday and she gave me the idea to wash down the walls with lemon pinesol. Yep, bought some of that too! She said my place *could* be worse lol I'll take that as a compliment ;) So anyway, I will probably drop in from time to time when I come here to do my laundry.

Summary of the time since I first started blogging back in 2005...I've had a lot of ups and downs, a lot of stuff came and knocked me off my feet, I got confused a lot, I doubted God a couple of times, I doubted myself almost always, I learned that self-acceptance is the first key to change, the second key being persistence, and the third key being sheer insane boldness to make things happen that you never thought possible. I found a part of me I thought was lost forever, and I shed a ton of misconceptions. All in all, I think I "found myself" as the saying goes. I'm not for sure, but I think I have a lot to look forward to :)

2006-10-19T16:25:00.000-07:00

I think I'm back on track again. I had a couple of bad moody days, but I feel better today, thank God!! I got the electricity cut on in my apartment today and I moved a few things over. I'm not sure when I will actually move in. I met my neighbors that are underneath me, they are really nice. That's always a good thing!! My parents came over and saw my place this evening, my dad didn't say much of anything and my mom nitpicked everything, but I just shrugged it off. This must be what it's like to be a grown-up lol My apartment is a rundown dump and I'm poor as hell now, and most of the people around me hate me, but I feel like I have more in my grasp than ever before. I'm proud of myself because I have stood up for myself, I have stepped out and took charge of things, I am working hard and doing my best at my job, I'm earning things instead of having them handed to me. And even though I am a little confused by God at the moment, I know He's working through me and He's making me into what He knows I should be.

And hey, since I haven't posted any lyrics in a while, here ya go lol

I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, Ive been afraid of changing
cause Ive built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too

Oh, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down

If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well maybe the landslide will bring it down

(Fleetwood Mac)

2006-10-16T17:41:00.000-07:00

I took my medicine today but I had a lot of "bipolar moments" throughout the day. I started out really happy, euthoric, like I could take on the world. I did well at work, and then I came home and I became so moody. Picking fights with my husband. Being a complete bitch. Threatening him. Stupid stuff like that. Why do I do that? Why do I feel the need to make trouble? I feel a little depressed now. It's totally been an ultra ultra rapid cycling day. It makes me scared because I have had such normalcy in my life since I started the meds and then out of the blue I have a day like this. I assume it's hormonal. And situational. But it scares me. I know there's no cure for this persay, but when I hear people talk about how much better they do on meds I expect to have that cured feeling every day. I want all steps forward, no steps backward. I want to be in control, damn it! I want the monsters to go away and stay gone! I don't want it to be a constant battle I have to win or lose to every day. I have enough on my plate to deal with. Just let me deal with it without having to deal with a fucked up mind!

I go to sign my lease Wednesday morning. I could move in but I don't have money for the deposit on my electricity. I am so fucking stupid!!!! I don't know what to do with myself. I am such a mess tonight. I can't do this. What's wrong with me? I am so fucking alone. I hate myself. I always do this to myself. Always, always. I cave in to my weaknesses. I forget my strength. I lay down my resolve. And the madness sweeps over me, cold like stone, fierce like fire.

2006-10-15T11:44:00.000-07:00

I slept better last night. I'm still tired, but it's that time of the month so go figure lol After work yesterday I went and bought some stuff I need for my apartment. Basic stuff. Our office is packed full of the stuff I'm taking with me, I can barely walk to the computer lol I still need a few things, like a microwave and a trash can for the kitchen, stuff like that. But I'm out of money so those things will have to wait. I'm scared about moving out, but I'm excited too. And yes, as Kansassunflower said, I do feel a little grief over it. But in a way me and my soon to be ex-husband are closer now than we've ever been before. We have a wonderful friendship. I know that will last always. I hope he finds someone just right for him. I don't want him to be alone. I don't want to be alone either but I could do it if I had to. I just hope I don't have to.

2006-10-13T18:07:00.000-07:00

I like my new job. I'm tired though. But I can't sleep, I'm so tired I can't sleep. And I'm afraid to take my Trazadone because I have to get up at 5a.m. to go to work and I don't want to sleep through the alarm clock. I only got 2 hours sleep last night. I just have so much going on in my mind, no it's not mania, it's just nerves.

The reality of me moving out is starting to sink in bit by bit, it is so painful. I have to do this, I want to do this, but it hurts like hell. I hope it gets better. I hope I find what I'm looking for.

I wish everyone had working cell phones. Okay, that makes no sense to anyone reading this but it does to me. :)

2006-10-12T14:56:00.000-07:00

I have learned that I must take my meds at the same time every day because the past two days I have been 2-3 hours later than usual taking them and both times I have ended up having a huge drop in my mood. Today's was the worst. I was talking to my husband about stuff and I started crying and telling him how I didn't know why I couldn't be pretty or atleast believe that I was pretty, I don't understand why God wants me to be ugly...and I started crying uncontrollably and felt so hopeless I just wanted to die. Dh quickly realized that I hadn't taken my meds yet (he's gotten good at detecting that lol) and once I took it a few minutes later I was fine. It scares me that things can fall apart so easily. And what am I going to do when there's no one there to notice what's happening? Who else besides him would know to remind me to take my medicine and talk me through it when I get that depressed so rapidly? What if it happens and there's no one there? What if I try something stupid again? What if, what if, what if????

2006-10-11T14:49:00.000-07:00

I found an apartment today!!! I will be able to move in probably next week. What a relief to have a place to go! The landlord has to get the carpets cleaned and then I go and sign the lease and pay the 1st month's rent and then I can call it my home for a year :) It doesn't look too great and it smells like smoke (which hopefully after the carpets are cleaned it won't be so strong) but it'll do. It's in a quiet neighborhood and it's not far from my girls or work. I can totally live with it for 12 months. I feel so much better now!

2006-10-11T06:36:00.000-07:00

Stress is atleast good for something, I have lost 4 more pounds so that makes 21 altogether! I've been eating way too much lately so I hope I don't gain it back. The thing is I only eat one or two meals a day but it's usually fast food so that's not very healthy. When things settle down I will try to do better about that.

I start my job at the hotel tomorrow. I have looked at a couple of apartments but they want my income to be 3x the amount of the rent and it's more like double now. All the low rent places around here are full. It really sucks. My husband said I could stay here as long as I needed but I would really like to get out as soon as possible because it is so awkward around here. I mean, he and I are still good friends, but obviously there's tension between us because of what has happened. I think it will be easier on everyone once I'm out of the house.

Through all of this, even though 99% of the people around me are extremely mad at me and giving me grief about stuff, even so, I don't feel alone anymore. It's all going to be okay sooner or later.

2006-10-09T17:48:00.000-07:00

Today was therapy day, I met with V this afternoon and we talked about all the big changes in my life. I told her how much better I've been feeling and she said it was good to see me smile. This is probably the only time she's seen me happy lol Most of the time I'm in tears or telling her how badly I want to die. It's refreshing not to feel that way anymore. I know I've talked a good bit about my meds lately and ya'll are probably tired of hearing it but I have felt such a difference since I started the Lamictal and Effexor. It's amazing! And though I have felt so lifetime-movie-ish about seeing a therapist it doesn't seem quite as pointless and sappy as it did at first. It has helped tremendously to have someone to talk to about everything that won't judge me, tell me what to do, or blab what I tell her to someone.

Going through a divorce is a very perplexing, exhausting process. It is a death to so much, but for me it's a touch of life too. I don't regret the years we've had together, if I had it to do over I wouldn't change a thing. We've got two sweet beautiful daughters together and we've shared a lot of good times, and made it through some bad times too. We have a strong friendship and we will continue that for our sake and for our children. But it was time for me to break away from the things that were holding me down. I had lost so much of myself, gotten so confused and beared down upon. It's a feeling like drowning, the harder you resist the waters the further it drags you down. I was dying. And no matter how many times I told them all (my husband, my parents, even my friends) no one really heard me. They couldn't save me from it. So I had to save myself.

So much has happened in the past year. So many things that didn't make sense to me at the time, it was all drawing me nearer to where I'm supposed to be. While I still can't understand some things, and probably never will, I do realize that for me to be all that I hoped for I have to color outside the lines a little. I have to be my own person. No one can do it for me, I've let them all along and that's why I was suffocating. Living up to other people's standards is not worth the heartache and disillusionment it carries along with it. Being a pastor's wife and trying to figure out what the people there wanted out of me left me disenchanted with the church and far away from God. It shouldn't have been that way. But I had a vision in my head of this perfect woman that did all the right things and knew just what to do to make her husband's ministry successful. I spent so much energy worrying about that that I lost what was truly important. And that strained my marriage terribly. I read somewhere that 50% of pastors and their wives end up getting divorced. That is a horrible tragedy. I think we all have set our expectations too high in the wrong places. It's easy to find inadequacy in ourselves and let the devil chisel away at what God called us to do.

I wonder about this year a lot. Why so many things had to happen that caused stress and chaos. Apart from the church life and all that entailed, there was a tragic death in our family, my mother-in-law's cancer, one of my close friends going through a divorce (with me trying to talk her out of it the whole way), my increasing spirals upward and downward and being diagnosed with the cause, my daughter's diagnosis of epilepsy, the purchase of our house, me stupidly attempting to kill myself and the awful stay at the hospital, and so much more. I wonder about the whys, the what ifs, the hows. What did it all mean? Why did it cause me to break? I don't know for sure, but now that I look back I realize it was all leading up to this point. I had to break. I couldn't bend anymore. And I had to reach the hollow bottom to bounce back up and take control of myself. No one could do that for me. God knew I needed to learn this on my own. He knew I had to find inner strength to find my way back to Him. I have a long way to go. I need to find a good church. I need to allow myself to forgive the past and find His purpose for me. This time I only want to do what He expects of me. Nothing else matters.

I may not be a very good Christian example right now. But I believe God will bring something good out of this, just as He does with everything. I'm trusting Him and I'm thanking Him for the wonderful new world that has opened up to me.

2006-10-08T20:53:00.000-07:00

I think I've accomplished something extraordinary: I don't care what my parents think of me anymore. I don't feel the urgent need to please them anymore. I don't need their approval to be happy. For me this is a huge thing. All the years of listening to them criticize and nitpick and compare me to my biological mother...all those many times I felt so bad because I felt like I was disappointing them...I just don't care anymore. I love them just as much as always. But I'm not worrying about pleasing them anymore. It can't be done, so why spend so much energy on it? It took me 27 years to get to this point. I have felt like such a child, always letting them tell me what I could do and what I wasn't capable of doing. My mom thinks I can't handle a job right now. Normally I would believe her. But this time, I feel something like confidence about it all. I'm tired of being put down. I don't even feel a need to prove them wrong. They have lost that power over me. I am stronger than they believe, and it's only important that I know that, as long as I believe it then it's all going to be okay. Even if I fail, it's okay.

2006-10-07T18:13:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in a couple of days, partly because I've been busy, and partly because I just can't think of anything to write about lol I have blog writer's block I guess. Anyway, I am extremely tired today. I've spent the past few days looking for a job and today I got hired to work at the front desk in a hotel. I'm supposed to get a call Monday to see what my hours will be. I think I will really like this job. The pay's not that great, but it'll do for now. Oh, and my mood stuff is totally coming together these days. The only problems I'm still having are anxiety and irritability. My nerves are so shot. But I'm not manic or depressed so 2 out of 4 isn't bad! My dr. said it usually takes 3 weeks for the Effexor to help with the anxiety stuff and this is just my first week on it. I've gotta try to be patient. I have to realize that I am lucky that I have atleast won part of the battle.

2006-10-04T07:29:00.000-07:00

I don't feel quite as sick today, of course I just took my 3rd pill a few minutes ago so it might come back. I do have a strange problem, my pupils are very dilated, is that normal?? It has to be the Effexor causing it, there's nothing else new. I was going to go look for a job today but now I have the worry that people are going to think I'm high on something. I look a little freaky. Then again, I always look freaky lol Anyway, I am feeling better these days, I've been kind of crabby at times but in general I've been almost pleasant to be around :) I'm not depressed like I was. Oddly enough, I drank a glass of vodka Friday night and I swear ever since then I have felt so much better! Not that I would recommend that to anyone lol but it worked for me! Of course I threw up after the giddiness wore off, and that stuff burns worse coming up than going down. But anyway, I am having some good days lately, not quite as anxious, not full of dread and disheartenment. I think I'm finally finding the right meds, atleast the Lamictal seems to be doing wonders, and hopefully this Effexor will be that last missing piece. I want to be happy, and finally I feel like I have a little shot at that. It's a beautiful thing.

2006-10-03T05:53:00.000-07:00

Side effect #1---nausea. Thanks Effexor for making me feel pregnant lol This side effect is *supposed* to fade away after a couple of weeks. In the meantime maybe I will lose some more weight since thinking of food makes me really sick right now. I wish I had a Dr.Pepper though.

update

2006-10-02T10:57:00.000-07:00

My computer's back, therefore so am I lol I went to the dr. today and she is keeping me on Lamictal since it is helping with the mania and she is adding Effexor for the depression and anxiety. I am going to start it today. She said by the 3rd week I should feel much more at peace. Let's hope so! :) And that's all I have to say for now.

2006-09-28T10:44:00.000-07:00

I'm going to be taking a break from blogging for a while. I don't have a computer anymore and when I use the one at the library I just feel like everyone's looking over my shoulder lol There's so much I can't say right now. When things get better I'll be back.

2006-09-26T09:59:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the kind words and the good advice I of course won't take because I am just so damn stubborn lol I'm kind of embarrassed and appalled at myself for sharing so much. I normally don't do that. Especially when others beside myself are involved. I realize 99% of you have no idea who I am but even so, I don't like sharing certain things about my private life. It's hard to know where to draw the line on a blog. I try to be brutally honest about things on here, but sometimes honesty is just too expensive.

I have ended up with yet another kidney infection, just as bad as before and am taking double antibiotics that so far haven't helped at all. What's the deal with this?? Stress maybe?? Probably. Anyway, I feel bad all over so hopefully it will pass soon. Okay, enough complaining :)

I am fully committed to staying optimistic today. However, optimism is a little over rated, don't you think? I believe if you expect the worst you'll never be disappointed. So I am probably setting myself up for misery today. But at the same time I have to have a little hope or else I will just lose my mind altogether.

By the way, the Lamictal seems to be helping ;)

convictions

2006-09-24T07:19:00.000-07:00

Every time I decide that nothing is wrong with me, that I do NOT have bipolar disorder or any other problem like that whatsoever...I read your blogs and I realize that I must have it because how else could I understand what ya'll are writing about so well? I am so glad I started this blog and joined Bipolar Planet. How else would I have met such wonderful people online that go through the same weirdness as I do?

Anyway, I feel better today, despite bad circumstances at home. My husband has become completely crazed and it's kind of a scary thing to live with. I wish there was some way for me to get out now but I have no money and no car. I will be leaving soon though. No doubt about it. I'm ready to start a new life. Come what may, that is my decision. There's no looking back now.

confessions

2006-09-23T14:02:00.000-07:00

Well I do have good news to share--in the past month I have lost 17lb!! I am very happy about this. It proves that it was the zoloft making me gain weight. And all along I thought it was my fault lol Now if I can just lose 33 more I will be back to "the right size". I've been really good for the most part about not eating when I felt like a loser. Which has been a very frequent feeling lately. I am glad I have an accomplishment to be proud of :)

That's pretty much where the good stuff ends though. Atleast for now. I was listening to the radio today (as always lol) and I heard the PERFECT song that fits exactly how I am right now. I had heard it before but today it was exactly the words I was looking for.

Whatsoever I've feared has
Come to life
Whatsoever I've fought off
Became my life
Just when everyday
Seemed to greet
Me with a smile
Sunspots have faded
And now I'm doing time
Cause I fell on
Black days

Whomsoever I've cured
I've sickened now
Whomsoever I've cradled
I've put you down
I'm a search light soul
They say but I can't
See it in the night
I'm only faking
When I get it right
Cause I fell on
Black days
How would I know
That this could be my fate

So what you wanted to
See good has made you blind
And what you wanted to
Be yours has made it
Mine
So don't you lock up
Something that you
Wanted to see fly
Hands are for shaking
No not tying

I sure don't
Mind a change
But I fell on black
Days
How would I know
That this could be
My fate.

(SoundGarden)

It's funny, I was trying to write poetry last night and no words I could write could come close to that. I threw my attempts away. They were pointless. I was reading over my old ones, ones I wrote so very very long ago and true they aren't exactly publishing material, but they said what I meant. I could still feel what I felt when I wrote them, even more so now I think. Why can't I do that anymore? Aren't we supposed to get better over time, not worse? So I resort to song lyrics to explain myself. I am a total lyric addict these days lol I listen to songs and I find so much of myself in them.

I took my girls to a birthday party today. I used to babysit the little girl. She turned 7 today. The mom asked me how church was going. I said it was going great. I am such a liar. She is one of the few people around here that is clueless to everything that has went on. How could I tell her my husband is resigning after just being there a year, and that it was my fault?

I drove by my best friend's house the other day. I just drove by. I couldn't bring myself to stop and see her. We have drifted apart. We have been best friends since 8th grade and we used to tell each other everything. But now I can't admit the things I've done, the things I've made a mess of. She wouldn't understand. She really wouldn't. She's not like the person I've become. We are so very different now. So I drove by her house and I kept on driving. I drove for 2 hours. And then I came home and that is the day that my husband hid the laptop in the attic and told me he had searched through my journal and personal belongings while I was gone.

There is nothing left to build me solid
I cannot stand
the earth shakes me.
I am poisoned blood, empty veins
vile ferocity steals my food.
The wind can sway me
love me, betray me.
There is nothing left to make me whole
the sky has fell from my arms.
I am cracks in the wall, fortified cities
I do not recall
the listless voice calling out my destiny
I only know
it will not become of me
it is not what I was born to.

(me-1998)

2006-09-23T09:48:00.000-07:00

I have somewhat reestablished my "privileges" so I am back. Of course my mind's quite blank so nothing more to say for now lol

2006-09-21T07:04:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the drug info. I will discuss it with my dr. soon. I might call today.

My dh hid the computer (long story) and I found it in the attic to write this but I will have to put it back. SO if ya'll don't hear from me for a while you'll know why. I just didn't want to disappear again and anyone think the worst. I'm so considerate aren't I lol Anyway, things are really bad here and I have not written about those things because they involve other people. Take care!

question

2006-09-20T12:15:00.000-07:00

For those of you on Lamictal, what else are you on? Antidepressants anyone?? Looking back over my blog (and thank God I write this stuff down or I wouldn't remember any of it) I realize that I have been depressed ever since I started taking it (on September 6th) except for two days after I started it I was real happy (not manic). And that was right before I crashed down and did the unthinkable (which I have never done BEFORE the Lamictal) SO I concur that this med is either making me depressed or simply preventing me from having the up/manic times. I don't want to go on like this. For instance, it is a beautiful sunny day outside and I am so depressed it might as well be pouring rain. I have a strong impulse to drive to a lake and drown myself lol No, really I just want to see the water. I think it's calming. Last week I was wanting to be in the mountains. I guess I want to be anywhere but here. Anyway, I think I am going to call my dr. and tell her either give me something to bring me back up or I am going off this crap. One more day of this and who knows what I will do.

It really is a beautiful day. I wish I could feel it that way.

fallen

2006-09-20T05:30:00.000-07:00

I have a gift. I'm very good at it and I only get better with time. I am very good at screwing things up. Reason I know this? Well, if you could take a look around me you would see I am the master of my domain. I get an idea in my head and I run with it. I forget logic, I forget the reasons why it wouldn't work, why it shouldn't work.I disrupt everyone else's life with my whims. And then in the end...I'm left with nothing but all the hurt and angry people around me. I have perfected this gift over the years. What a sad pathetic mess I've made out of my whole world.

Okay, yeah, that was kind of stupid and depressing. I just didn't know what else to write lol I feel okay today. Sort of numb from all past catastrophes. I like the void feeling. I don't have to deal with the issues. And trust me, I have some issues to be dealt with! But today...ain't gonna do it. I need a break from the ever widening realm of chaos that I have been so hellbent on creating lately.

Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
THe past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I've held so dear.

Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Sarah McLachlan

med report

2006-09-18T13:27:00.000-07:00

This is the 3rd week on Lamictal so the dose went up. I've been really weepy but I don't think it has anything to do with the med. I just have a lot going on. Anyway, the only side effect I have noticed so far is that I've been having some mild headaches. I can deal with small headaches much better than weight gain and grogginess so I'm not complaining! I do hope they don't get worse as the dosage increases though. I haven't taken my Trazadone in about 3-4 nights because I didn't seem to need it as far as sleep goes. But I didn't sleep well last night and I'm really tired today. SO I will go ahead and take one tonight. I have not been manic since I started taking this stuff. I've been really depressed for the most part, with a few brief "I'm okay" moments. I feel like I'm under a black cloud and I can't escape it. I'm really confused. I wish I knew how to make everything right.

2006-09-17T05:29:00.000-07:00

I didn't sleep well last night, had lots of really strange, vivid dreams. I hate when I wake up and don't know what's real and what is just something I was having a dream about. It makes for a very confusing morning. Anyway, dh is going to church and asked me to join him but I'm just not ready to go back yet. Secretly I plan to never go back to that church again. I want to go to some church somewhere, where no one but God knows me there. But today I am going to stay home and think about stuff and pray if I can find it in me to pray, and eat lots of chocolate. I am totally on my way to gaining all those 12 lbs back. Good for me.

2006-09-16T12:53:00.000-07:00

Paper wings
cut, placed and glued
Attach it to me gently
the oncoming wind.
I float on clouds and silences,
it is never the brush of your hand
but the rolling thunder beckoning me to stay,
pull up a chair
I'll sit here with you
until life is a paper cup
that leaks and dries
and we are left with only dreams
and all the fragile things
I never thought I could bear.

2006-09-16T08:52:00.000-07:00

I was going to write something today, but I really can't think of anything to write. I am all over the place as far as moods go, I decided today to take my Lamictal in the afternoon instead of at night. It's the afternoons that always get to me. Always, always, always. So maybe I should take the Lamictal at lunchtime instead of supper and see if it works better. I really can't tell any difference whatsoever, it makes it hard to keep taking it. It takes weeks to work up to the full dosage. A lot of wasted time if you ask me.

out of one prison into another

2006-09-15T05:12:00.000-07:00

I've got to get out of here. The thing that happened last Friday, though it was not the answer, I believe I reached that point because I feared exactly what is happening now. Everything I've kept inside has been exposed. My mom and husband have made sure of that. Everything that happened over the weekend, and my other secrets, all revealed to whoever they could think of to tell. I'm a private person, and it's my right to keep things to myself. No one needs to know what I've done, what I've thought of doing, and what I still plan to do. It's none of their fuckin' business!!! I spent the entire day yesterday listening to my husband cry and beg me to stay with him no matter what and then he had the nerve to call my mom and she left work to come chew me out and tell me what a selfish child she raised and how all I thought of was myself and if I was going to leave then to pack my bags right then and never come back and never expect to see my kids again. They just don't understand, how can they expect me to stay here after all that people know about me? How can they expect me to be happy if they watch my every move and keep smothering me? I'm not even "allowed" to drive anywhere by myself because they think I'm not going to come back. I want to just go start over somewhere, I don't care if I'm happy or not, I just want away and I want to be surrounded by the things I love and the one I love, and not be in this prison anymore where I'm treated like a child. I'm not a child, people! I may act like one sometimes, but it's time for me to grow up and do things for myself. But they want to keep me tied up to them. Always depending on mommy and daddy. Always bound to the security of my husband. I'm tied to choices I made years ago and to sever that cord is to destroy everyone. How I wish I could change so many things...

shopping's not so fun when it's for myself

2006-09-13T19:26:00.000-07:00

Is it just me or is there something seriously wrong with the jeans that are made today?? For one thing most of them look like they've already been worn a 100 times and ran over by a mack truck before they are even purchased. Seriously, if I want holes and faded spots in my jeans I think I can manage doing that to them myself. I don't need to pay $60 for something that looks like it came from a 1/2 price yard sale.

The other thing, the most annoying thing for me, is that either I have shrunk an inch or they just don't make petite jeans like they used to. They are all waaaaayyyy too long. I am also bewildered at the fact that the jeans I've been wearing are size 14, I have lost 12 lb in the last month and yet the size 14's wouldn't even fit over my fat ass today so I had to get size 16. I was really disappointed with that. I know I'm fat, but humor me a little bit, let me get a frickin' size 14!!!! As it turned out, the ONLY place in the entire mall I could find jeans short enough and big enough for me was Lane Bryant. And of course that is the very last store in the entire mall that I looked in because I really really really didn't want to succumb to a "plus size store". I like to live in a fantasy where I am still skinny enough to buy my clothes in the juniors department. My, how times, and my hips, have changed.

Other than that hassle, I've had a good day.

2006-09-12T14:01:00.000-07:00

Sorry I dropped off the face of the earth for a few days. It's uncanny how my last post was so upbeat, and how an attempted suicide shortly after that landed me in a psych ward for 3 days. I'm not up to sharing the details right now, but when I can I will describe my visit to that hellish place and all my opinions about how they treated us like animals rather than mentally ill human beings. Until then, rest assured I am NOT going to try to harm myself ever again--I have learned my lesson!!!

2006-09-07T13:27:00.000-07:00

For the record, I am extremely happy today. I know my past posts have been anything but jolly lol so here's to a good day! I don't think 2 days of Lamictal would qualify as being the reason I'm in such high spirits. But what do I know! I really don't care what caused it, I'm just glad for a break from the depression/anger/full-blown-hatred-of-the-whole-world motif. It's a beautiful day! And no, I'm not manic!! This is so much better than that!

pills

2006-09-06T14:56:00.000-07:00

I did it. I started my Lamictal and Trazadone. I took them five minutes ago. I cried like a baby. Stupid, I know. Yeah, I was stupid enough to think I could just be normal. Well apparently not, so I gave in to the pills.

I'm done

2006-09-05T18:08:00.000-07:00

I've been staring at a blank page for 30 minutes trying to get my thoughts together to write something in this stupid pointless blog of mine. I am severely pissed off at everything and everyone tonight. There is no doubt in my mind that if I had my own car and a little money of my own I would pack up and leave tonight with no destination and no looking back. I am sick of this fucked up pretend life of mine. I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and no one hears me. I am so through with this!! I'm done with the church life, I'm done with being married to someone I don't love in the way that he loves me. I'm done with having to pretend like I am so happy when I just want to blow my brains out on most days. I am done with not having a single friend around here that I can really tell what I am going through inside because they will just turn and walk away from me because I don't fit the image they have in their mind of me. I have shut out my closest friends this past year because I knew, I knew that if I let them in on how unhappy I was with my marriage and being in the eyes of a congregation and then to top it off being diagnosed with a mental illness they would turn and run just as hard as they could. So instead I did the running. I didn't answer the phone when they called. I ignored their emails. I stopped seeing them altogether. And just by writing this I'm sure I will lose the friends that read this blog too. Well so be it. I'm done with this. The dishonesty of my whole persona is driving nails through my chest.

The thing is, I've been praying to God all evening tonight, crying to Him, asking Him WHY? WHY NOW? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? Why does God answer prayers at the wrong time? I don't mean that in a disrespectful way to God. But seriously, you pray for something for years and you seem to get totally the opposite so you take what you can get and you promise yourself you'll be happy with it no matter what. But years go by and you aren't happy, you keep praying for God to make you forget that thing you keep wanting. You pray for contentment. And then, after all these other trials come along to test you, just when you think you can't take one more catastrophe, the thing you wanted all those years suddenly is there for the taking. Only problem is, due to circumstances, you can't choose to have that thing unless you break a couple of God's laws and you have to give up everything else in your life for it. WHY does this happen that way?? Does God want my heart to break? Does He want to tempt me, to test me, knowing I am too weak to fight it? WHY WHY WHY???

I'm damned either way.

2006-09-04T17:02:00.000-07:00

To answer Maggs question, I turned 27 in June. So yeah, maybe it does have something to do with the age. Whatever the case, I feel better now, and what I wrote earlier seems really pitiful to me now lol I guess this proves that the zoloft was not causing the rapid cycling. In just this one day I have went from suicidally depressed to outrageously angry to perfectly happy and now I rest at a nervous calm. It's great, guys. lol So now that I know what I'm honestly like on no medication I am more apt to finally get those prescriptions filled tomorrow. No promises though.

more of the same

2006-09-04T07:20:00.000-07:00

I was hoping a good night's sleep would help me feel better in the morning, but if anything I feel worse. I wish I knew how to get back on track. I thought I had it all together a couple of days ago, how stupid of me! I can't go back to college. I'm a mess!! I'll either be too depressed to go to my classes or I will be so high I won't be able to sit still and either way I won't be able to concentrate. Who am I kidding?? And it's not just college, it's everything. Everything I had all planned out in my head, the stuff I tell no one, the stuff I thought would work out so great...now I know I was being dumb about that too. I have no idea what I am doing. I don't want to be here anymore, caught between the living and the dead. What am I waiting for?

2006-09-03T13:02:00.000-07:00

I feel horrible. I know part of it is being sick and being groggy from Lortab. But it's more than that. I just feel completely alone today. Like I have no friends, my husband hates me, I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. No, actually what I want to do is just get in the van and start driving. Just drive until I am away from here and these feelings pass. I wish I could stop crying. I wish I could stop breathing. I hate being this way. I hate being me.

2006-09-02T15:41:00.000-07:00

Well, no car. The payments were going to be twice as much as our van. I really liked that car but I just can't fathom paying more for a car than a van. But did I mention I really really liked the car?? lol

I ended up in the ER today. I've not been feeling well for a few days and I knew I was getting a kidney infection, but I guess I dumbly thought it would just go away. But then I started getting really dizzy and the pain was getting worse and then the clencher for me was when I went to the bathroom just blood would come out (gross I know, sorry) SO now I have some antibiotics and pain med and now I'm going to go take a nap :)

Even so, I'm still in a good mood lol

maybe there IS a reason for everything

2006-09-02T06:22:00.000-07:00

As anyone can see from my previous posts, I've been thinking a lot about life in general. Trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do with what I've been handed. And as confusing as it's been, and as close to giving up as I have been at times, I think I have finally caught a glimpse of what I'm meant to do.

Maybe instead of cursing this illness I should start seeing it as a small blessing, a blessing with an extreme price, but none-the-less a blessing, because it has taught me to do things I would have never imagined, it allows me to feel things that I dare say most people never will. Where most people feel things in black, white and gray, I feel them in color; bright, vivid streaks of lightening and fireworks. Like what Marja wrote in her book, a rainbow. It's blinding at times, and unbearable at times, but I don't think I would want to be any other way. What I have is special, and detestable, and it makes and breaks me every day. I go through this for a reason, and I feel a pull to help other people that feel these things too. I want to go back to school and major in psychology and journalism and see where it takes me. I want to do what I've always been afraid to do. I want to take a few chances, make a few bold turns, and harbor the consequences with dignity. I just can't help feeling there is more to me than the life I'm in right now. I chose this life because it was safe, and now I am desperately unhappy. The easy road is hardly ever the best one to take, and that's the one I've been on all these years, and slowly dying because of it. And suddenly I want to change directions and do the impossible. It won't be easy. It won't be sane. I may fail. But atleast I can say I tried.

2006-09-01T19:04:00.000-07:00

Well I found a car and I may be driving it home tomorrow :) It's a 2006 red chevy cobalt. Sometimes my crazy ideas turn out to be quite brilliant lol Whatever the case I feel better, more sure of myself and more sure of the future. I think I will sleep soundly tonight because for once I have no fear. The life ahead of me is a beautiful thing. I'm sure of that tonight. I've made a decision and I'm happy. I'm happy.

ramifications

2006-09-01T12:40:00.000-07:00

Apparently it's one of those days. Extremely depressed in the morning, thinking hmmm...how should I kill myself today...pills perhaps? Then suddenly boredom sets in. And then restlessness. And then just sheer madness, but the kind of madness that makes ya want to go out and...buy a car. Or atleast that's what I wanted to do. Dh said...no. I wonder why lol Actually he said if I still wanted a car tomorrow we'll go look. He knows I will probably forget why I even wanted one by then. I just figured hey, I'm sick of the minivan. I want a car. A red one. Something cute and pretty and young. Something to turn back time in. Because that's all I really want to do, turn back time. Do a few things differently. That's all. Is that so crazy? Doesn't everyone feel that way sometime? But who actually does those things? Who actually steps out on a limb and says to hell with it all? I know a couple of people who have done that. They're not so bad off now. But they didn't exactly find what they were looking for either. But atleast they tried, right? Right??

"You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now
Here he comes

He doesnt look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined
When you were young

Can we climb this mountain
I dont know
Higher now than ever before
I know we can make it if we take it slow
Let's take it easy
Easy now
Watch it go

We're burning down the highway skyline
On the back of a hurricane
That started turning
When you were young
When you were young

And sometimes you close your eyes
And see the place where you used to live
When you were young

They say the devil's water
It ain't so sweet
You dont have to drink right now
But you can dip your feet
Every once in a little while."

The Killers

quicksand

2006-09-01T05:37:00.000-07:00

I know I should write it all down everyday, all the demons that haunt me inside. I know it helps somehow. But sometimes it is so hard, to come here and admit to what I can't even find words for. I'm much better at shutting people out. I'm much better at making people not want to be around me. It's a defense mechanism of some sort. I'm hurting so leave me alone. Your hand can't save me from myself so either get lost or let me drag you down with me. Yeah, I'm just a great person, aren't I. Everyone should have a friend like me lol

Well, obviously I'm depressed today. Paranoid. Lost. Bitter. Full of everything and so empty. There's no remedy for it. Death can't help me. God would help me but I won't let Him. I'd rather just grovel in my sad pathetic monstrosities. I'm sinking back down and there's no way to stop it. I'm tired of fighting it.

this thing called life

2006-08-30T08:29:00.000-07:00

Things are so awry with me my therapist wants to see me back in two weeks instead of a month lol That bad, eh. Anyway, we talked for an hour today, and she gave me a new perspective on some things and made me realize I don't know what I am doing with my life. I really don't. I'm so up and down and all over the place...no wonder I get so confused with myself. It felt so good to talk to someone, really talk and just let it all out and have them tell me what I needed to hear, not just what I wanted to hear. And then she prayed with me and I felt a little glimpse of God come over me.

So it made me start thinking, what do I want out of my life? What do I want before I die?

Well, more than anything I want to find whatever gifts God has given me and use them for His purpose. I want to know why I'm here, and live accordingly.

I want to be loved unconditionally by someone for my whole life. I want to know I have that love and never doubt it and never be made ashamed to hold on to it.

I still want to write that great novel before I die lol I don't see that ever happening, considering my ever diminishing writing skills. But I never want to lose sight of that dream, never want to completely give up on it, even if it is a vain chasing after the wind.

I want to be a good mother. I want to enjoy motherhood, like I used to. I think I enjoyed it at one point. I want to find that again. And never lose it.

I want to lose the fears, anxieties, all the moodswing stuff that holds me back from whatever my potential is. If medication is what it takes then I am willing to pursue that until I find the right mix. Furthermore, I want to pardon myself for things I can't control, and do something about the things I can.

I want to be the best I can be, and that means accepting that some things about me are screwed up and always will be and that those very things are what makes me special in some way.

I want to rid myself of the inferiority complex. I don't want to care what people think of me anymore.

I want to die and get to heaven and be able to look back on my life and say I made it count.

2006-08-30T05:56:00.000-07:00

My appointment with the therapist is at 10. I really like my therapist. I still feel kind of weird about going to one though. I got really really emotional last time I saw her. I normally don't let people see me like that. But she is a very comfortable person to be around. She's soft spoken (opposed to my extremely strange psychiatrist) and she listens and I feel better after it's over. So we will see how this time around will go.

More about my psychiatrist-I'm telling ya, she's a fruitcake!! For one thing her office is a mess, the whole time I'm in there I just want to clean up her office LOL and she has a strange personality, really off the wall. Both times I have met with her she has asked me directions to get to a store (the same store) and I'm thinking to myself is she STUPID or is she trying to analyze me in some way??? I don't know, I just feel like laughing when I'm in there, it's so funny!

2006-08-29T13:09:00.000-07:00

I think I just need a vacation. Away from it all. Dh and I were talking about going somewhere just the two of us for a weekend sometime. Unfortunately we don't have a babysitter :( Anyway, we had a good long talk today and it kind of made me feel closer and further away from him at the same time. Marriage is such a strange thing LOL Before he left to go back to work I asked him why he loved me and he said because I was sweet and kind and passionate and serious. And I told him I love him because he is safe and trustworthy and I can be myself around him. I know I am so fortunate to have a husband that I can talk about anything with and him love me no matter what. I know I can't find that anywhere else. And I don't deserve it at all.

2006-08-29T09:19:00.000-07:00

the light is bleeding out
and into darkness
I rest my head
I sleep and never wake

to right a wrong
how much does it take
what souls will stretch out
that much love

it's a waste of time
to breathe in, breathe out
day after day after day
the madness of it suffocates

to wrong a right
I'm perfect at it
the constant spinning
so still, so still

it's all so clear
so muddy and thick
it takes time, it takes time
and my time has run out

it always comes back to this

2006-08-29T08:53:00.000-07:00

As terrific and as clear headed as I felt yesterday, late last night I started falling back down and this morning found me in a bad depression again. WHy can't I just stay the same for more than a few days at a time? Why do I have to be like this? It's not fair!! God, it's not fair. I just want it all to stop. No, I haven't taken my new med yet, haven't even got the prescription filled. I'm stubborn. I want to change but I don't want to be a slave to an illness. I want to imagine it all away and be a whole person. God, if I could just be whole, I could have the world at my fingertips and I'd never have to second guess myself in anything. Dumb thinking. My life is very complicated right now. I don't even want to face anyone, I just want to hide until it all goes away. My dad came by this morning and I stayed in bed as I heard him ring the doorbell over and over. I just couldn't face him. There is nothing worse than my daddy seeing me at my weakest. I always feel the need to please him, always have always will. I fear him and I love him, and I just couldn't go to the door still in my pjs, filled with such turmoil, and look him straight in the eye and pretend away all that is haunting me. I just couldn't do it.

I gave in

2006-08-28T13:21:00.000-07:00

I came home with more prescriptions. This try will be Lamictal and Trazadone to help me sleep. She said I was manic and I really really really needed to get some sleep LOL So I will give this a shot. Lamictal is what my daughter takes for her seizures and she does well on it, maybe I will too even if it is for a different reason. We shall see...

2006-08-28T05:29:00.000-07:00

After many many days of no sleep, except for maybe an hour or two scattered here and there, I slept 8 hours last night!!! Of course, as always when I come back down from my sleeplessness I want to constantly sleep, I assume from the lack of sleep my mind wants to catch up on what it's lost. But I've got a lot to do today so no nap for now. I still feel good, not depressed. A little anxious but not unbearable. I see the dr. at 2:45 today. I am going to tell her I am not on any of the meds anymore and that I would like to just try it for a while like that. If I get too out of hand I'll change my mind, simple as that. I just don't care to go through that right now. I know for people who are doing well on medication it's hard for them to understand. Just like from my realm it's hard for me to understand the medication. Because yes, I am still in shock from even being told I have something that I need to take meds for. I'm still in denial, I keep thinking no, I don't have this, I'm fine, I'm just going through a bad season in life or somehting. I have selective memory at this point, I block out the fact that I have had problems off and on since I was 16, that even though I was completely fine at times, there were times when I was really bad off. I'm in shock that the past few months have been SO MUCH WORSE, as far as the mood swings and the insomnia and the anxiety. But it has been a stressful year for me, for a million reasons, and I just think that would do something to anyone, not just someone with bipolar disorder. Anyway, I'm not making any sense, I'm sleepy, and I have to start my day. I'm sure my dr. will try to talk some sense into me.

2006-08-27T07:05:00.000-07:00

I go to the p-doc tomorrow afternoon. I'm going to tell her I don't want to be on any medicine right now. I'm off the Depakote and I have been weaning off of the zoloft. I just don't need it. It doesn't work. There's probably something out there that would work. But I don't want to find it right now.

I haven't slept in a week, haven't eaten, I don't feel tired. Just restless. Impatient. And God the panic attacks are awful!! I got a little drunk last night, I normally don't do that...but I just had to slow down my heart.

How can you ever know if you are thinking clearly when you are bipolar? Do you always have to second guess yourself, always have to wonder if you are doing something rational or if it's the illness making you do crazy stuff or if it's the devil tricking you like he's all so good at. At what point do you know for certain that you are choosing the right things for yourself?

One thing is for sure. No one can make these decisions for me. I'll have to carry the weight of it for the rest of my life. Sometimes I just want to die. But not this week. This week I want to live like I've never lived before. That kind of life isn't so different from death. They are both a means of escape with the most dire of consequences.

sleep and the aftermath

2006-08-25T12:15:00.000-07:00

My no-sleep-at-all mode wore thin at about 5 this morning and I woke at 7 to the sound of my 4 year old throwing up beside me in the bed! Ewww!!! God bless her, she couldn't help it. She is feeling a little better now. Anyway, I was wide awake again after that and I am just so nervous today. Shaking all over. Crying off and on. Just stupid stuff. I'm not depressed, just...there's no words for it.

Dh isn't very happy with me today. I had promised him I would help him on the farm today and when E ended up sick I used that as an excuse to stay home with her. I know the nice loving thing to do would have been to let him stay home with her so he could rest and me go do the work. But I didn't. Seems like I'm having trouble doing the right thing about anything these days :(

too young for a midlife crisis??

2006-08-24T23:38:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of my life. I'm tired of the responsibility. I'm tired of being depended on. Maybe it's the insomnia talking but I just want to do something fun and have no worries. I don't want to have to worry about whether I am hurting someone by my actions or words. I don't want to be held accountable for anything.

I'm just drained. Family, spiritual, you name it. It makes no sense to me. Why do things happen the way they do? Why do I have to even care?

I've spent my whole life believing that everything has a reason for happening the way it does and it should just be respected for that with no questions asked. But what if I'm wrong? What if everything I have ever believed in is wrong? What then??

I have crazy thoughts right now. Crazy thoughts. I guess too many sleepless nights in a row will do that to ya.

2006-08-24T07:50:00.000-07:00

Okay, I have a confession to make. I've been off my Depakote since I ran out the other day. When I called about a refill I had to leave a message and then they left a message on my voice mail saying I would need to make an appointment to get a refill. I figured since I am seeing the p-doc Monday I could make it. And I have done okay for the most point. However, it is now clear that it was making a few things more bearable. I have had the insomnia to come back, and the panic attacks (that has been a major thing today--maybe because I never did go to bed!) So I can see that the Depakote helped with the insomnia and anxiety. Didn't seem to do anything for the mood swings. And since it made me so groggy, is it really what I need? Well anything is better than this anxiety. I can't drink enough to make it go away. And we don't need a drunk mom around here anyway lol Right now I feel like I am just going to jump out of my skin. I can't slow it down, this constant pounding of the heart.