Mixed

A day of edginess has progressed into full blown anger issues tonight. I'm annoyed with everything, mainly myself. My mind is racing and I have at least fifteen different things I want to do right this moment, other than sleep. And of course, I want to sleep too. I am downright exhausted, and there seems to be no end to the fatigue. Even when I do sleep, I wake up just as tired or more so. I guess maybe I am experiencing a mixed state. Depressed, but so revved up. Hence, the creation of anger.

I did just take a lovely hot bath to relieve the back spasms my tension has brought on. My baby actually stopped crying long enough to enjoy his time in the bouncer while I soaked the stress away for a little while. He has been rather fussy today, especially tonight. I can blame it on teething, mild diaper rash, and any number of other baby-size catastrophes, but I suppose the real truth is that he feeds off my bad mood, then I feed off of his, then he feeds some more off mine, and so on and so on, until it's a big clusterfuck of bad vibes between Mom and Baby. I love him to pieces, and I want so much to make him happy all the time. Or if not happy, at least nurtured in all the right ways...which essentially leads to a regular amount of happiness. But my moods, my exhaustion, my anxiety, and my other character flaws wreck those intentions of good mothering. I mean, I'm a good mother. I'm not neglectful or abusive. I express tons of love in healthy ways with my child. I spend time with him. I read to him and play with him. I take care of his essential needs. I do a lot of "good" things. But is it enough? Why do I still feel like a bad mother? Probably because the house is a wreck, and I use the computer to escape several times a day because it pulls me away from the stress of my inadequacies, and because I am always tired and can't seem to function like a regular human being should. I don't have it all together. I know that no one truly does, but...I really don't have it together!

I was going to write out a list of all the things I want to get done, for clarity's sake, but Baby is getting fussy again, so it will have to wait. Perhaps at a later time.