Tis the Season

Today has been extremely difficult. I miss my Daddy. I miss my Nana. I miss my daughters, though at least they will be here Monday. As hard as I try to keep a positive outlook, this time of year has become more of a season of regrets than anything heartwarming. I don't celebrate Christmas for commercial or religious purposes anymore. It all seems to be a meaningless chasing after the wind. Pardon me if that brings visions of Scrooge to your mind. I'm not wallowing in self-pity or discarding the blessings in my life. I am more fortunate than many this year. At least I have a roof over my head. At least I am loved. I have a beautiful little baby right here with me tonight who thinks I'm as awesome as pureed bananas. But how do you fill the void of the loved ones that are gone? How do you smile past the fact that you don't get to tuck two of your children in at night and watch them on Christmas morning as they open their presents? How do you forgive yourself for all the wrong you've done in life, and learn to let go and move on? I know this is the depression talking. I know this will pass. But tonight, my heart is breaking, as it has every Christmas for the past few years. Tonight, I am once again tempted to pray, to recall who I was, to reach out my burdens to an unseen hand...but the person I was, the one who believed, can no longer be found.