Pessimistic Optimism

I have big plans for what I want to do from day to day. These epic plans range from getting the house clean to being an awesome mom to writing (and getting paid for it) to TAKING OVER THE WORLD. But why am I so tired? And why does the depression keep coming back at random moments? I will be feeling so happy and well, and then I will take something the wrong way or, well, I don't even have to take something the wrong way. It just comes back. I don't ask for much, right? I just want to be an average person. Actually, if truth be told I really want to be an extraordinary person who excels at at least ten different things before she bows her head to the grave. However, I will accept average. To get things done. To be able to think about the things I need to get done without getting so overwhelmed with the mere thought of the tasks that I can't set out to start on any of them. To be someone who is not afraid to make phone calls to the financial aid department of my college, or to go to Walmart on a semi-busy day, or to go eat lunch at my daughters' school. And energy. I want energy so badly. I don't want to be this lazy, depressed lump on a log. I want to get things done. I want to write my books. Concentrate on my school work (and not freak out at test time). Clean the house and keep it halfway clean. None of these things have to turn out perfect. At this point I will settle for a sliver of mediocre. I just want to know what completion feels like. I fear I never will. This is the price of depression, poor concentration, short-lived mania, social phobia, anxiety, and all this other crap I'm dealing with. It feels like I am stuck under a thick glass, and outside I can see the shapes and colors of what life has to offer, but I just can't break through to a place where I can partake of them. It is beyond frustrating.

Of course, I never learn. I keep thinking this is simply a character flaw. I'm lazy. Lazyyyyyy. If only that were the truth! I could just stop being lazy! I am actually reading a book now, and if I actually finish it, that will be an accomplishment! It's called The Myth of Laziness and it was written by Dr. Mel Levine, who is apparently the director of the Center for Development and Learning. Good for him! It is an intriguing read (what little I have been able to concentrate on) and discusses the causes of supposed laziness in school children and their parents. The latter part of the book will discuss ways to remedy those factors, but I have not made it that far yet. Naturally.

Anyway, my goal for today is to actually follow a schedule. HA! I have little faith in myself, perhaps due to this being the 90 millionth time I have written a schedule to follow and not followed it. But I am trying yet another "new and improved" schedule. Suddenly my chest is tight and I feel very anxious. It may be the impending failure. I may have to go lie down and rest first.