The following is an old drafted blog that I never published. It was originally written 11/10/08. Apparently not much has changed from my sentiments then and now...
I honestly don't think I'm meant to be happy in life. I mean, maybe if things were perfect, or my idea of perfect, maybe even then I would be as far from happy and content as I've ever been. Seems no matter where I go, there I am. And I don't like myself. I really don't! I've always considered myself a forgiving person when it comes to other people, but there are things I just can't forgive myself of. There are things I don't know how to change...maybe I'm just too lazy to change. I'm so overwhelmed and confused by the whole realm around me, as if ME and WORLD are explosive matters when placed together. I don't fit in with people, sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in a perpetual high school with all the cliques and judgements and stereotypes that can't be escaped. And there's no land for Misfit Toys here, just a lot of masks we can sort through and try on to help us blend, to hide, to fade out altogether. Seems like I've always been at home on a wall of nonexistence...until I do something wrong, that is.
I honestly don't think I'm meant to be happy in life. I mean, maybe if things were perfect, or my idea of perfect, maybe even then I would be as far from happy and content as I've ever been. Seems no matter where I go, there I am. And I don't like myself. I really don't! I've always considered myself a forgiving person when it comes to other people, but there are things I just can't forgive myself of. There are things I don't know how to change...maybe I'm just too lazy to change. I'm so overwhelmed and confused by the whole realm around me, as if ME and WORLD are explosive matters when placed together. I don't fit in with people, sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in a perpetual high school with all the cliques and judgements and stereotypes that can't be escaped. And there's no land for Misfit Toys here, just a lot of masks we can sort through and try on to help us blend, to hide, to fade out altogether. Seems like I've always been at home on a wall of nonexistence...until I do something wrong, that is.
If you don't know who you are, how is anyone else going to know?
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